Pregnancy is weird. Forgive me but I still can't get over it that I'm actually experiencing it. It's like I'm living a bizarre sci-fi movie. I think that fate just wanted me to accept the fact that I was never going to be pregnant before it decided to pull a fast one on me. I was all ready to take the plunge into finding a surrogate to carry my embryos or dedicate myself completely to the near impossibly expensive goal of adopting. I feel almost betrayed by the universe that I tortured myself emotionally for years trying to have a baby as it gradually made me fall in love with the less traditional ways of creating a family, knowing that I would be among the few who would never experience natural conception or childbirth. I actually began to admire that strong statement to the world that I would be making with my differently aquired children. I mean I started to see that of course that was the only way it could be! I was an infertile woman for 8 years. How else was I going to put an end to that? After that many years, who just randomly pops up pregnant by accident???!? Well, apparently, I do!
I still feel caught in the middle of both worlds: Infertility vs. Fertility. I still don't feel quite as warm as I should with other pregnant women or women with children. I'm still more comfortable relating to infertile and childless people, even though I don't really fit in there either anymore. I doubt I'll ever fully recover, but for that I am actually grateful. I know I've mentioned before that I don't plan to soon forget my ordeal with infertility. After all, it made me the woman I am today and I wouldn't want to go back to the naive person I was before, even it that meant I could be a mom at a younger age like I originally wanted. Now I understand fully what it means to be pregnant and expecting a child. I don't just see a baby in the future, I can see an entire life from babyhood to adulthood and feel the emotional journey my heart will go through in watching that life develop under my care. It's unexplainable, but so amazing to me. I could not care less the gender of my child either, and that's not something I always felt. I look at this as a maturing of my mind over the years, realizing that no matter the sex, I'm going to be head over heals in love with it. Heck, I already am!
Through the pain and hurdles of infertility, my only goal was to become pregnant, and eventually to have a child in one way or another. It never really went much farther beyond that or I would make myself crazy thinking about it. So, never did it enter my mind how hard pregnancy would actually be on me. I mean I knew enough about myself to know if I ever got pregnant I would be the world's most paranoid mom. But knowing what I know now about pregnancy, I'm almost shocked that this is such a huge goal for half the population in the world! Okay, I'll give first timers a break because, like me, they had no idea what they were about to embark upon, but come on, 2nd and 3rd and 19th pregnancies??!?!?!!?!?! You must enjoy misery. It isn't easy for me to admit, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that although I am completely ecstatic and beside myself in the idea that I'm going to have a child finally, that I find pregnancy, so far, less than enjoyable.
Starting at week 5 (before I even realized I was pregnant) I began experiencing the very popular yet poorly explained "morning sickness". I could hardly get myself out of bed I was so sick. The best way to describe the feeling is like being severely carsick 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It doesn't give you a break to eat or sleep or anything. It just never goes away. You have to force yourself to eat through the nausea because at the same time you are actually starving worse than you've ever been in your life. I would wake up at like 2 or 3am and be so starving that I'd wake my husband up to get me some food before I threw up. That idea never made sense to me, but now I finally get it. I tried saltine crackers like everyone said, and plain bread rolls and fig newtons even, but my favorite "midnight snack" quickly became fruit cups. Especially peaches. It was soft and didn't make my teeth feel gross when I had to just lay back down to sleep again without brushing. (trust me, if I got up to brush, so would all my food, so I learned the fruit cup trick to keep me feeling good at night). Everyone's best tip, and one I found to be quite helpful during the morning sickness time is to EAT. Eat several SMALL meals a day instead of fewer big ones, because having something in your stomach at all times is actually better for the nausea than having an empty stomach (hence, MORNING sickness). This sickness lingered on and on well into my 13th week, but I am so happy to say that almost like clockwork (I've never been able to say that about my body) the morning sickness eased the moment I entered my 2nd trimester, just as most people said it would. But that unfortunately isn't the only annoyingly terrible symptom of pregnancy. Quite unbeknown to me, there are many more that I discovered must be so embarrassing that most women won't tell you. But they are really things you would be wise to be aware about before becoming pregnant, so I'm glad I had a pregnancy book to warn me before I thought something was wrong with me...
One of the first symptoms I began experiencing was major mood swings. Major! I'm talking, things like crying over spilt milk, almost literally. I mean I'm a sensitive person, but even these moods made my husband who is quite used to my strange moods look at me in utter confusion (remember, we had no idea I was pregnant this early on). From about 6 weeks to 8 weeks I experienced some mild brown spotting which I didn't think much of at the time since it was about the right time for me to be expecting my period and I had no idea I was pregnant. I did, however, think it was strange that for a whole week it was nothing but brown spotting and never began to bleed, because even for my spasmotic cycles, that was weird. But once I did discover I was pregnant, the clinic took action to quickly discover the source of my spotting and found it was probably just due to the fact that I didn't know I was pregnant and was doing things I wasn't supposed to (strenuous activities like yard work, etc) and causing some cramping and bleeding. Of course that scared the crap out of me, so I stopped doing pretty much everything and it immediately began to taper off and eventually stopped. I have not had any more spotting since.
While that was a scary symptom, there are others that persist throughout pregnancy that absolutely no experienced mother told me about. I only discovered they were related to pregnancy because A) I'd never experienced them before, and B) I read about them in my pregnancy book. What are they? Well, a hell of a lot of moisture and air! I feel like an old fart, quite frankly. Nothing can compare you for how much you feel like a bloated fool and can't help but expel the air to relieve your uncomfortable pressure. I burp like my crude and unashamed father on a camping trip. I read that the reason for this accumulation of gas is due in part to the fact that your digestion slows down during pregnancy so that your body can better efficiently collect the most nutrients from your food. And trust me, everything in digestion slows down! Think heartburn and constipation. But when it comes to the bladder, it actually becomes over active. Peeing is the most common activity that you do during pregnancy. Everything fluid in your body seems to double. Be prepared for the excessive production of mucus and saliva, not just from your head but "down there" as well. Your nose gets stuffy, you sneeze more than usual, you might even catch yourself drooling at night on your pillow from the excess saliva in your mouth, and you start to realize it was a myth that you don't have to buy feminine products for 9 whole months of bliss because panty liners are looking pretty good about now. Apparently, as I read it, this is supposed to be a defense against bacteria entering your body to protect the baby, but it is one of the more uncomfortable of symptoms I've experienced because a mouthful of spit is just gross, especially when you are also nauseous.
And no, that still isn't all of them. My absolute worst symptom of all (it may even tie up with morning sickness) is the horrible life altering elevated sense of smell. Odors are unbearable! I don't get it, but smell is the most mind-altering sense I poses. You don't think that much of it in regular life, but it jumps to the front lines in pregnancy. I suddenly feel like a blood hound, driven by my sense of smell. I can smell things a mile away that I could never smell before. I sense when anything different is in the house, and I absolutely cannot tolerate the scents of soaps and lotions, let alone perfumes and room sprays. Even those that claim "unscented" and "fragrance free" aren't really. They smell horrible and it makes me feel sick. It has become such a chore to take a shower now because everything in the bathroom smells so bad that I try to go 2-3 days before I'm so desperate I just force myself to do it. Cooking smells and the wretched stench of meat from my animals food is also a huge red flag to my nostrils. I had to relinquish all my pet duties to my poor husband who I know hates it, but is so religious and sweet about cleaning the cat box and feeding the animals everyday. I LOVE YOU, MIKEY BOY!!!! :D You're the BEST!!!
Seriously, being pregnant without a husband would be hell. I'm so lucky to have a nice boy who will bring me home lunch and dinner so it doesn't stink and do all the house chores and buy me healthy organic foods to eat all while having a full time job! He's the greatest.
Now that I've been pregnant now for 15 1/2 weeks (I'm in the 4th month according to "What to Expect When You're Expecting") many of my early symptoms are still there, but I seem to be adjusting to them better, and new ones are appearing. Most obviously is what I call the baby bump. I've never considered myself to be the thinnest of girls and always had a bit of a pooch in front, but this is one I've never experienced before. It can't be sucked in and it doesn't flatten out when I lay on my back. It's not jiggly and nothing like fat when you touch it. It's like a solid mass. A hard lump like I have a vollyball shoved inside my belly. It's very weird and very uncomfortable to roll over on when I'm in bed and try to lay on my stomach even at such a small size. I don't like anything tight across my belly, even lower belly because it's already so tight feeling I think I'm going to burst. I think my most famous line these days to my husband is "I feel so fat!" I know I sound like a broken record but I really do feel fat! What's worse is that it's awkward for people to touch my belly because it just feels like they're rubbing a big giant tumor in my belly or something. It's uncomfortable and I don't really feel comfortable wearing revealing clothing because I don't think I look really pregnant yet. I just look like I ate too much and that's not a good look. I think this is like the awkward time in pregnancy when you start to show but not quite enough to rush out and buy maternity clothes---which, by the way, is a topic I shall save for next time! I do, however, need to wear stretchy pants since almost immediately all my jeans went out the window. I can't wait for spring and summer so that I can wear something besides long sleeve shirts and stretchy pants. I wanna be a cute pregnant girl and all I feel like right now is a slob--you know, especially since I only shower like every 3 days now!!!
I know that wasn't the most glamorous of posts, but I thought people needed to hear the truth. It may be gross for you, but remember most if not all pregnant women experience most of those symptoms and all of them are enduring it entirely for their child. Never underestimate the powerful job of a pregnant woman! It never ceases to amaze me how difficult the creation of life really is. I learned over the course of 8 years how hard it was to conceive, and now that I have, I've discovered that the challenge is not over. Now I must endure the pregnancy and all it's crazy symptoms only to survive daunting childbirth and then the challenge of actual parenting for the rest of your child's young life! No wonder life is precious.
