Sleepless For Seattle

Maybe it's because I was born there, or maybe because I spent nearly my whole adolescence there, it's where I consider I actually "grew up", transitioning from a child to an adult.  I don't know, but what I do know is that my heart belongs in Seattle.  I like to say it's the atmosphere of the entire Puget Sound area that makes me long to be there.  Tall pine trees and misty rain scented air haunt my dreams.  I know that's when I'm overdue for a visit.

Mike & I never thought we'd end up here in Eastern Washington.  It's strange how lives work themselves out, isn't it?  Not only were we married here, but somehow Mike landed a job here that would ultimately save our lives as we knew it.  Then, miracle of miracles occurred and we ended up having a baby here!  We have been here almost 6 years already--longer than we've been anywhere else in our lives together, and the funny thing is, we never intended on staying this long.  The plan was always to work a while, get back on our feet and then go back to Seattle again to settle in for the long haul.  

When we first met, Michael was smitten with Seattle, since it was the city where he first met me and so associated me with.  It wasn't long after we were engaged that we felt we should move there where we would have children and make it our home.  Easier said than done, however, because sadly my husband lost his really great job in LA and we were forced to leave.  I quit school and we packed up our things and drove to my parent's new place in Idaho where they had ironically only just moved to from Seattle.  My grandmother lived in Idaho, so my parents figured after all their kids left, they should leave too.  We spent the next year & a half living there with them.  It was then that we were married.  A year after our wedding, we decided to make the move to Seattle.  Mike accepted a job at the library there in Snohomish county and I enrolled into school again.  We thought we could make it, but fate had other plans.  It was our infertility that failed us.  That was where we first began treatment and realized it was not covered under health insurance only after we had gotten the bill.  We quit treatment, but the bills didn't go away.  We still owed them in a big way, and they eventually drove us into the ground in debt and we had to find a way out.  The job in Eastern WA was that answer to our pleas.  It was too good to turn down, and we knew it would save us from a lifetime of debt and wars and consolidation programs, so we moved, leaving our beloved Seattle behind us.  

Six long years and one daughter later, we are aching to go back.  There are plenty of reasons we've felt this push to move again, one of which is Mike's job.  Over the years it has become exactly what we had hoped it wouldn't be when we moved here.  It has lost it's stability.  City budget cuts have more than once threatened his job to the point that last year they actually went as far as to inform him that come January, he wouldn't have his job anymore!  The only thing that saved it was the fact that one of his coworkers decided to take her retirement at the end of the year, granting her position to Mike when she left.  So, for the time being, he is still there, but for how long, we don't know.  You would think that plenty of reason to pick up and leave, but there are other things that are keeping us from jumping up and moving so abruptly.  What makes this such a hard decision is that during the last 6 years, my parents decided to move from Idaho to a little town in Oregon, just 20 minutes from here so that they could be close to us as well as my grandparents who live nearby, too.  It's the fact that we just had a baby that makes me feel so sentimental about being near them.  I know my parents (especially my mom) want to be close to their grandchildren, and I want that too.  It's not just that they are a great place to turn to when we need a babysitter or something, but the fact that they are nearby means they get to watch them grow up and share in their lives so much more than if we were living far away.  I guess you could call me selfish for wanting all my family to move back to Seattle too so that I could stop feeling guilty about moving there.

It's not just my family that stops us, though.  It's our daughter.  We felt that we should wait at least a year after her birth before moving anywhere out of town because, first, we want her to have stable health insurance to get her through her first year since that is the most frequent doctor visited year of a child's life.  Second, we just feel that it would be cruel to move her away from her grandparents right now, the second after she is born.  They've waited all these long years right along with us, and that just wouldn't be fair.  Lastly, I just can't see us jumping the gun and moving back to Seattle just because we want to so bad.  We have to be adult about this and think realistically about our chances of survival so that we don't fall into the same financial trap as before.  Seattle is a beautiful and bountiful city, but it is also more expensive than Eastern WA.  Regardless if we buy a house or rent, we'll be paying more than what we pay now, and although we're doing okay, we are already barely scraping by these days. 

So, there is a goal in all this nonsense.  That is to make Seattle our home after a year or two.  It of course depends on the circumstances that befall us, but if all goes as planned, perhaps we'll be in the emerald city by the time our daughter is a toddler.  It's scary, exciting, bittersweet, and thrilling all at once to think of making that change.  I'll miss my parents, I'll miss Andy's Market where I buy most of my veggie meats and fresh local vegetables.  I'll even miss the real seasons of Eastern WA, like sweltering summers, blustery falls, and crunchy frozen winters (spring here is moist and drippy like every season in Seattle, so I won't miss that)!  But it seems worth it all to have the things we've been longing for since we moved away.  These small towns aren't at all as vibrant as life is on the west side.  We love to be out and about, experiencing the world and living life to the fullest.  Seattle has it all for us.  It's full of life and things to do.  This valley is a retirement town.  Seattle is full of young people our age, giving us a greater potential to have friends.  I've never not wanted to live there, and I miss it everyday.  Now the thought of living there is even greater because of my daughter.  I want nothing more than for her to grow up in a place as wonderful as that.  The only thing that would perfect that life would be to have my family close by again.

Untold Postpartum Pains

Warning: This post contains some fairly graphic descriptions about my most private areas, so if you don't wish to know about these things, you might not want to read the following...

Postpartum is the most mysterious time in a woman's life.  Why?  Because before the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" came out, no one knew what to expect.  Even if, like me, you read that book cover to cover when you were pregnant, you might still not know what to expect postpartum, even though there is a fairly thorough (or so you thought) postpartum chapter at the end!

Here's what I knew:  I knew there would be a huge "period" for weeks after.  I'd been warned of that.  And I wasn't dumb enough to think labor & delivery would leave me feeling like a million bucks.  I expected there to be some degree of discomfort post-birth, but what it would actually feel like, and how long it would last, I had no clue.  Then I read about things that didn't actually happen to me at all, like having all my hair fall out, or being horribly constipated postpartum. 

Here's what actually happened:  Postpartum troubles aren't just caused by lack of sleep, 2am feedings and diaper changes.  In fact, those were the least of our problems!  What wears you out is not those continuous actions, but the fact that you cannot schedule any of them.  They will try to tell you in the hospital that baby eats every 2-3 hours, when in reality baby eats when baby wants, whether that be every 3 hours or every 15 minutes!  And when baby poops and you change her diaper, you don't expect that she'll poop again immediately after you're done.  Then you have to change her all over again before you've even left the changing table.  Babies cry, everyone knows that,  but exactly how frequently they cry, and for how long, and what reason, no one prepares you for.  These are what become so tiring about newborns.  You're on their schedule, not the other way around, and you quickly find that you have no time to do anything for yourself, and if you do, you don't ever get a chance to finish it, whether that be lunch, writing a blog or just getting dressed in the morning (or afternoon)!

Starting immediately after the delivery of my daughter, the postpartum weirdness began.  The feeling I felt as she came out was one I could never describe, so I'll just say it left me in awe, with an overall feeling of complete relief.  Then, though I had known this could happen, and desperately hoped it wouldn't, during Sabina's delivery, I tore.  The doctor said it was about a 2nd degree tear, and stitched me up with dissolvable stitches. Only the beginning of a difficult 3 week struggle with the kind of pain most people cringe at the thought of.  I'm not saying I didn't expect that to hurt, but what came with it made it just the icing on the cake.

What accompanied the pain of my delivery tear was the pain of the delivery it's self.  I never knew how it would leave me feeling, and no one really quite described it to me either.  So, here's my best description:  I felt like someone had shoved a watermelon through my birth canal.  My pelvis felt pushed out of proportion, almost broken, and all my muscles were over stretched and extremely sore.  What happens is you stumble when you try to walk for the first time.  Think of a Barbie doll with her legs slightly pulled out of their sockets.  Then, because you pushed so much and so hard that when you try to sit, your insides still feel like they are being pushed out and it hurts.  Really bad.

If you had an epidural like me, you will also experience some kind of numbness lingering a few hours after your delivery, and this means you will need help to the bathroom until you are steady enough to go on your own.  I know every woman is different, but for me, my left leg was numb well into the following day and I couldn't walk.  I actually fell when I tried to stand on the day after my delivery because my leg still didn't work.  

The act of going to the bathroom is also a huge discomfort of postpartum.  I don't mean being constipated either, because I was routinely prescribed a stool softener after delivery.  The discomfort came from the painful stitches and continuing uterine contractions (yes, continuing contractions) that cause the "lochia' or postpartum bleeding as the uterus sheds the remnants of the placenta over several weeks.  Seeing so much blood, even as a women who should by all respects be used to it, is still slightly disturbing, and seems to add to the pain you are already feeling.  The stitches in your v-hole are overwhelmingly sore, and the hospital has a routine set up for you to take care of it and help it heal.  You are given a small squeezy bottle to fill with warm water and take into the bathroom each time you go so that you can squirt your perineum as you pee to lessen the burn.  Afterwards, you gently pat dry--not wipe, because you will probably die from pain if you tried.  Next, dab witch hazel pads to the sore area and then prepare your surprisingly enormous pad in the huge disposable stretchy-gauze underwear by spraying it with pain spray and then shoving a big disposable ice pack between your legs with a couple of witch hazel pads on it before you waddle back to bed.  Ouch.  Then you get to do that all again in another hour.  Expect that you will be taking home a huge bag of supplies for your huge period when you go home, because yes, you will be continuously bleeding and feeling tortured by the pain for at least another three weeks or more.  I am currently in week 5 postpartum and the pain has only recently begun to replace it's self with a mixture of itching and pain instead, and left me with a small lump where the stitches were that I'm wondering about.  Is that going to be permanent?  And how is that going to feel once I become intimate again?  Hey, you know you would wonder that too!

After the delivery, you are given written instructions on how to care for yourself postpartum.  "Pelvic rest" is one of them.  This means no tampons and no sex for at least 6 weeks.  No one explained why you couldn't do these things, so I looked it up and found out it's so your uterus doesn't become infected as it recovers from the delivery.  Among the other instructions was not to lift anything heavier than your baby and not to over-do it when getting back to your regular activities so that you don't cause more bleeding than you're already dealing with.  

The pains of postpartum are there, regardless of what people tell you that you will forget them once you see that beautiful baby's face.  It helps to have your mind on something else besides yourself, of course, but sometimes it is truly overwhelming because while you are thrilled with the birth of your baby, you are also in great need of recovery and rest, neither of which your beautiful baby allows!  

The absolute biggest challenge I've had with postpartum life absolutely has to be breastfeeding!  Never did I imagine how hard it would be.  I mean, of all the things to find difficult after the delivery of my baby, why should breastfeeding be the most difficult? Isn't it the most natural of all feeding methods? I daydreamed about the ease of breastfeeding, and the awesome bonding time I'd be getting with my baby.  I felt proud of my decision to give her the best and most natural start in her little life.  I wasn't totally ignorant to challenge.  I knew it would take some learning, but who knew I'd still be going at it 5 weeks after her birth? I mean we went over some of the difficulties of breastfeeding in the birthing class my husband & I attended, but for some reason, I was under the impression that these were few and far between and wouldn't happen to me.  I wish I could go back and slap myself.  What was I thinking?  Of course it would happen to me!  Who did I think I was?!

Breastfeeding all began with the challenge that my nipples are slightly on the short side.  There are reportedly breastfeeding issues with women who have flat or inverted nipples, and I fell right on the border line of that category.  Every single nurse and CNA assigned to me during my 3 day hospital stay postpartum struggled with helping me achieve success in breastfeeding, and though many came close, none of them actually succeeded.  My success came from the lactation specialist who introduced me to my step-stool to success: the nipple shield.  This is a piece of silicon shaped like an erect nipple that you cup over your own nipple so that the baby has something to latch onto.  In addition to helping your baby latch on, it also helps draw your nipple out farther so that eventually, the baby can latch directly to your breast without the shield.  Great concept, I'll admit, and a god-send when you are constantly trying and failing to get your baby to latch.  More and more stress piles onto your shoulders and you start to feel guilty that you can't provide even the few drops of essential colostrum that the baby needs as she wails and cries pitifully in your helpless arms.  Pretty soon you break down too.

No sooner had we returned home did I begin to show signs of a new problem.  Engorgement had set in, as it is said to do on about day 3 postpartum, and it is a painful day or two you must go through as your milk comes in and your breasts flood with blood and become bigger than you had ever imagined possible.  It was during this time that I developed a breast infection, mastitis.  I was sitting down to dinner when a sudden onset of chills and hot and cold feeling came over me.  I could barely eat before finally going to bed where my husband took my temp and found it was 100 degrees!  We called the hospital and got a prescription to take an antibiotic, but this went on for the next 3 days with my temp going back up to 101 every time the medication wore off.  Finally the doctor got me to take an extra tylenol along with my ibuprofen to keep the temperature stable so I could function to take care of my baby.  It almost landed me back in the hospital, but thankfully the extra dost of fever meds did the trick and my infection went away.  I sadly lost the milk production in my right (infected) breast during the infection, but it eventually came back and my left breast was finally relieved of it's over-time.

The next struggle was weaning Sabina off the nipple shield as it was starting to become more pain than it was worth, and you are supposed to only use it temporarily.  For 3 weeks, I had dutifully tried offering her the breast before the shield and she had refused every time, quickly throwing a baby tantrum (which, regardless of baby's size, are not tiny in the least)!  The lactation specialist told me I'd be tossing out the shields after a week.  It took me three, but with perseverance we did it!  Of course that didn't mean it wasn't still hard to get her to latch on to my breast.  It still took something like 20 minutes to get her nursing, but at least she was refusing the nipple shield!  After so much use, it was getting painful for me.  It felt as though she was only sucking on the nipple it's self instead of getting the whole areola in her mouth, like she's supposed to.

Unfortunately, this was actually the start of an entirely new breastfeeding problem!  I thought she was just a vicious sucker, angry that latching on always took so long, she'd grip my nipple with such vigor I thought she was going to chomp it off.  It just kept getting worse, so finally we sought out help once again from my trusty lactation specialist.  Lo and behold, it was not Sabina's fault at all.  She's mastered her breastfeeding role and latching on perfectly, as it turns out!  However, I have a new breast infection.  This time, it's a different kind.  One called "Thrush", a yeast infection of the nipple that can also infect the baby's mouth.  It, apparently, is a pain to get rid of and the remedy is often a prescription of an oral drug called Diflucan, which I've been allergic to for the past 10 years.  Naturally, it's the only drug I've ever found myself to be allergic to, as well.  The other option is a prescription anti-fungal nipple cream which I'm now using that you must apply 3-4x daily.  But I must continue to breastfeed, and if baby comes down with the infection too, she must also be treated.  Just to be on the safe side, since this happened over the weekend (of course) we are calling her doctor on Monday to see if there is anything we need to do for her. 

So, it's been a month since I delivered my sweet little baby girl.  She is growing, although not too quickly.  She melts our hearts regardless of how hard this parenting thing is.  The bottom line is, my postpartum pains are still very much alive.  I'm still bleeding, the perineum pain is still present whenever I sit down or sit too long.  We're both exhausted from sleep deprivation and nights of calming our colicky baby (this deserves a blog post all it's own)!  So next time a women gets postpartum depression or a case of the baby blues, don't say "how could she be so depressed when she just had that precious little baby?!" There is no doubt in my mind how a woman could feel that way postpartum.  Given all she goes through, it's a wonder she can remain sane at all!  So, there it is.  I tried to be as open and honest as I could about the mysteries of postpartum life.  If I forgot anything, it's because of it!

Independence Day

It was 2 o'clock in the morning on the 4th of July when I awoke with aching contractions.  They didn't feel like the Braxton Hicks contractions I'd been having lately.  These were different and I knew right away that it meant something.  Perhaps I was progressing now a little further than the 1cm the doctor had noted I'd dilated to at my last appointment that past Friday on the 1st.  It was a little exciting, but I didn't think it could mean any more than that.  I was positive this baby would be late.  I was a late baby myself and I figured it being my first, that she would probably take after me.

Just the day before, my in-laws flew in from California to spend a week with us, hoping to catch the birth while they were here, of course.  The baby wasn't even due until July 8th, so I thought they were coming too early and didn't think they would make it.  We all went out to dinner to a Thai restaurant the evening they got here.  I didn't realize that would be the last time I'd eat for a good 24 hours or more!  While Mike's parents went back to their hotel to sleep, his brother and him decided to go see a movie while I stayed behind.  I was exhausted after that long day of getting ready for them to come.  I had done nothing but laundry all day long, cleaning house, folding and putting away baby clothes in the nursery that were piled everywhere.  I didn't want the in-laws thinking we were unprepared when our baby was due any day.  It was the night before the 4th and the neighborhood was alive with fireworks whistling, snapping & booming late into the night.  I was having some fairly tight contractions, too, though they were more of the same Braxton Hicks ones I'd been having a lot of, so I didn't think much of them and got myself a cup of raspberry leaf "mother-to-be" tea while I went online for a bit and then decided to head to bed around 10:30ish.  

The guys didn't get home until after midnight, and I was asleep by then.  It wasn't until close to 2am that I awoke with the painful contractions.  They felt exactly like menstrual cramps, and only got more intense as the night went on.  I tried to wake up Mike after I had been feeling them occur pretty regularly several times in a row, and he just turned over muttering "sorry" as he drifted right back to sleep, thinking I was just waking him up because he was snoring.  It was difficult, but I finally got him awake enough to inform him that I was having some pretty intense contractions and that we should count them.  In our birthing class, we were informed that when your contractions are 5 minutes apart for an hour, you should go to the hospital.  Well, mine were pretty irregular, but still frequent until about 3am.  So, we kept counting them and discovered that by 4am, I'd been having the contractions every 5 minutes for a full hour, but for some reason I wasn't convinced this meant I was in labor, so I continued to count them for another hour just to be sure.  By 5am, they were still 5 minutes apart, sometimes less.  I got up to use the bathroom and that's when I convinced myself something was up because of the streaks of blood I discovered--another clue to labor we'd learned in the class to watch for.  With a rush of adrenaline, I walked back into the bedroom to my husband and told him ever so calmly that it was show time.  

I have to give Mike some credit.  He was way calmer about all this than I ever thought he'd be.  As if he'd done it a million times, he nodded, got up and gave the hospital a call while I jumped in the shower.  I'd be darned if I was going to go into labor with un-shaved legs!  Mike's brother was asleep on the couch when we left for the hospital.  We informed him we'd likely be back soon, since if I wasn't actually in labor, or not advanced enough, we'd be sent home.  I was certain this would be the case and expected to be back in time to start making the food for the 4th of July BBQ we were going to host in our yard that day. But I called my mom anyway to inform her we were headed to the hospital just in case.

At the hospital, the nurse on duty checked my cervix and put me on the monitor to see if I was in true labor or not.  I was still only 1cm dilated and 30% effaced, but my contractions were now just 2 minutes apart.  She was positive I was definitely in labor so she wasn't going to send me home until the doctor came to check me.  He didn't come until closer to 9am. I was able to walk the halls with Mike to try and bring on further dilation and effacement, and then spend some relaxing time in the birthing suite jacuzzi, which was wonderful.  I would have spent the whole time in there if I didn't turn into a prune!  Of course our families showed up fairly early that morning and hung out in the family waiting area right outside the suite all day.  

When the doctor finally came to check me after several hours, he found I was just 1.5cm.  It was then brought to my attention that I could easily carry on like this, unchanged, for a good 20+ hours, as it was not uncommon for first deliveries to be so prolonged.  Given the fact that I had already labored for so many hours without much progress, he told me I had a choice to let him break my water to help me progress faster, or just continue on as I was and see what happens.  Scared that I was going to labor unchanged for another 20 hours, I accepted his suggestion to break my water, and he did it.  It wasn't painful in the least, just slightly uncomfortable with him shoving his hand up inside me for a moment, then a gush of warm and continuously leaky fluid.  I was later told that just after this, the doctor went outside the room and informed our family that we'd definitely have a baby by dinner time that night!

Hour after hour, they checked my progress, only to find it relatively unchanged.  I was definitely experiencing more intense contractions as the day went on, but nothing I did seemed to be helping.  I walked and walked with Mike out in the hallway, but the contractions were so difficult to get through, I wanted to fall on the floor to finish them, so we went back to the suite and I tried the birthing ball.  What I found interesting was that the nurses assigned to me didn't help me labor at all.  They left that job to my "birthing coach", Mike.  If I needed something, they'd get it for me, but they didn't help me.  My mom came in several times to be with me when Mike needed a break to eat or get a little nap.  It was very strange how fast the hours went by.  When 1pm rolled around, I was checked again and left completely discouraged to find I had only dilated to 2cm in a near 12 hour period!  At this point, my doctor ordered that the nurse start me on Pitocin to speed up my contractions and get me dilating.  Knowing this would cause more intense pain, I finally broke down and decided to accept the epidural my nurse had been pushing on me for the last several hours.  She told me that since I was so tired and had been up all night, the epidural would help me get some much needed rest for the delivery and I could progress faster if I was relaxed.  I was so tired, and I believed her.  I was really having trouble relaxing through the contractions as they seemingly took over my entire body.  Once I accepted the epidural and had resorted to the idea that I would soon be pain free, we were informed that the anesthesiologist who could administer it was currently in surgery doing a c-section on another patient and I would have to wait for another hour or so before he could come!  I honestly don't know where I found the strength to do it, but I did--probably because there was really no other choice.  I was now in bed, being constantly monitored and just curled up on my side, closed my eyes and tried to shut out the rest of the world until he got here.

Before Epidural

After Epidural

After the anesthesiologist finally came and administered the epidural into my spine, it was a whole different experience!  It was 2pm and I had been in labor for exactly 12 hours when he showed up.  It took a few minutes before it came, but sweet relief finally hit me and I felt like I could breathe normally again instead of using all the labor breathing techniques from the birthing class.  It was wonderful except for one tiny little thing: it only numbed one side of my body.  The other half was left only partially numbed, but I didn't complain.  All I needed was a little edge off and I could function.  With the relief, I was able to sleep some.  Even though I could still feel the contractions, the felt more like the practice contractions I'd been feeling over the past several weeks of pregnancy, and those were just tightenings of the uterus, nothing more.  Now, the hours went by much quicker, and every hour I was checked, I was a centimeter further dilated.  It was kinda funny how the centimeters matched the hour, too.  Like at 2pm, I was 2cm, etc.  It went on like that all the way until after 8pm when I started to feel a lot more pain on my right side that was suddenly unaffected by the epidural.  At that time, I had just about every kind of wire and tube hooked up to my body and I felt like I was in the ICU or something.  It was such a different picture of labor than the one I had imagined for so long.  The painful contractions were back, I was shaking uncontrollably and there was nothing we could do about it except move on because when they checked me, I was completely dilated!

When the nurse called the doctor and told me it was time to push, I was shocked.  Nothing prepared me for that moment.  I was resigning to the silent idea that I would probably end up in the operating room because of how long my labor was taking.  Once the water is broken, there is a 24 hour window to deliver, and doctors won't let you go any further without taking action to get the baby out safe before infection sets in.  But by some miracle, after 9 years of trying to conceive, 9 months of pregnancy and 19 hours of labor, I was actually at the end!  It was time to meet my baby!  I was thinking about all the birth stories I had watched on Discovery Health and TLC, etc, and could not believe that I had reached that point.  Nothing prepared me for the experience better than watching all those shows because they had taught me how exactly you are supposed to push during delivery.  My doctor and nurse were impressed that for a first timer, I was able to push so well and deliver so quickly.  From the time that I started pushing, I delivered in under 20 minutes, and it was surprisingly the easiest part of the whole 19 hour labor period!  Even though I was in intense pain (on my right side), pushing through it completely masked the pain.  The moment she came out, I'd like to note, was also incredible.  Not just because she was coming out, finally, but because the feeling I had when she did was one I'm sure I can't describe, but it was absolutely amazing!  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I could suddenly breathe again.  Perhaps it was because exactly that had just happened!  I was overjoyed and exhausted and completely awed all in one.  I'm not sure any moment in my life can top that feeling.  Even though the hospital staff, Mike and both our moms were there, to me, it was just me and this little tiny baby they just plopped onto my chest.  Everything else was just a blur.  

My daughter Sabina Grace was born at 9:05pm on the 4th of July, she was 19.5" & weighed 6lbs 1oz.  After the birth, we watched the city fireworks go off from our hospital room window.  It was literally the best day of my life.  Even after the heartache from years of trying to become a parent, then all the morning sickness, uncomfortableness & trials of pregnancy, and then hours of the most intense pain you've ever felt and will ever feel in your life, it's all worth it! And yes, I'm betting I would do it all again.