But within the last few months, I've lost at least two family members, if not more, all due to something I posted on Facebook. It's not like I'm super confrontational or anything. I'm honestly far from it! I've never wanted to go anywhere near a conflict of any kind, as a matter of fact. I'm an extremely reserved person, and fighting overwhelms my intensely sensitive mind and causes me to close myself down inside so I don't have to feel the crazy amounts of negative energy flying around. It doesn't work all the time. I mean I usually still feel it, but at least I'm not involved. But then I am. Because if I'm present during a conflict, how can I not be? Especially if it involves me, personally?
I do have some strong morals and beliefs that I live by, and I'm well aware of how different they are from most people's, so I am always careful not to come off too strongly to people who aren't around me on a daily basis and don't share those morals with me. But on occasion, I do like to express an opinion or observation or something pertaining to my beliefs because of certain things that may be going on in the world that bring out my passions. As do most other people--and why not? If I didn't, how would anyone ever know who I am? I'm not a self righteous, arrogant know-it-all just because I want to share my thoughts with the world once in awhile, but that's what the two family members thought who I have since lost.
The second post was a few months later. I was on a road trip to see my parents in eastern Oregon. It's nothing but cow country from the moment we drive down from the mountains to when we drive up my parents' driveway several hours later. So, being overwhelmed with cow manure stench for the last 4 hours moved me to mention this random observation, and I posted this: "People should stop eating cows. They are taking over the world, and THEY STINK!!!". This actually brought the attention of my uncle who had, for years now, mocked and insulted my intelligence on multiple occasions. He loathes veganism and everything about it, and makes sure to rub it in my face at every opportunity that comes his way. After the last time he threw a verbal punch at me on Facebook, I tried to block him, so imagine my surprise when I found him cussing all over my post! I clearly didn't block him after all. Apparently, all I did was stop his posts from showing up on my feed. But there he was, in all his bullshit glory, attacking every person who came at him with childish blows and insults!
I honestly don't want to get into details about the actual words that were said, just rather the residual feelings I got in the aftermath of both these separate events. The thing is, I felt exactly the same way after both of these blow up posts. Each of them had been stewing for quite some time, and I was at the end of my rope when they occurred. Each one ended with a block and a deleted "friend". I'm just left with a heavy heart.
I really liked my cousin Jeremy when I was growing up. He's quite a few years older than me, but I always liked his quiet demeanor and how he muttered funny jokes under his breath. I related to that because I, too, was an extremely soft spoken child, and he made me feel like that was okay. But suddenly, Facebook comes along and throws me for a loop when Jeremy found out I don't vaccinate and decides to use my family as an example to his friends of what happens when you don't vaccinate, because my mother had polio as a child, and therefore me and both my siblings are apparently mutated disasters of science! Thereafter, he made it his duty to dispute each and every one of my Facebook posts forever more. This really crushed me, because it was like a total betrayal to me. I thought Jeremy was one of my cool cousins, and it turns out he just wants to use me and somehow make it his life's effort to publicly humiliate and prove me wrong. :(
When it comes to my uncle Roger, I'll admit that I never in my life had any such relationship with him. He has always been a very harsh and unforgiving kind of man, and he scared the crap out of me as a kid. Now he just pisses me off. I tolerate him only for the sake of keeping the peace in the family, besides which I don't see him much more than once a year. I thought to myself I could make that sacrifice, but not anymore. What kind of family peace am I preserving when I, myself am not at peace? Having someone belittle and mock your way of life on a regular basis is demeaning and juvenile. No one should have to endure that in silence.
One of the most trying times of my life was when my family moved to Hawaii when I was starting middle school. My brother and I were like sheep thrown into a pit of lions at that school! There was more prejudice there than I'd ever encountered in my life thus far. In fact, that's the first time I ever heard the word prejudice. It was the first word on a long list of new vocabulary words in middle school for me. It was that school where myself as I knew it was torn down to shreds, and at the end of two years, I began to build a new self. I had never fought back with anyone before. I just sat and took the beatings and insults day after day, and became extremely stealthy about hiding between classes and avoiding bullies like the plague. One day after school, my brother and I were sitting on a bench outside the library waiting for a ride when a group of bullies walked by us. We knew what they were going to do, but there was no where to go, so we just sat there while they threw out their verbal assaults, kicked at our feet, pulled our hair, threw our backpacks on the ground to stomp on them and as they left, one of them turned around and spat in my face. A small ball of fire burst into flames inside me that day, and I felt as it began to grow bigger. Soon after that event, one other day after school, it's the same story. A group of bullies followed us as we walked across the field. They threw insults and cussed at us to go back to the mainland where we belong. I heard it everyday, several times a day. Then they started pulling at our bags, trying to tear them away, and one of them grabbed my brother's glasses and took off running with them. Fuming inside with my newly developed ball of courage, I threw down my backpack and chased him across the field. Tackling him to the ground, I pulled the glasses from his grasp and gave them back to my brother. Then something amazing happened. They suddenly left us alone. It may have been short lived, because they were back at it the next day, but it was immensely gratifying to know that I stopped them that day. It was literally the first time I ever stood up for myself and fought back.
The thing I've learned over my 35 years on this planet is that words of betrayal and insult hurt. Words leave lasting scars on your insides that never go away. The only thing that can ever help to fade the hurt are words of love, sorrow and kindness. Maybe it sounds cheesy to you, but it's the honest truth.
No one from my childhood has ever apologized to me for bullying and assaulting me in middle school, but I have grown stronger from those unfortunate occurrences because of the kind people in my life who love me for who I am. Thank you. You know who you are.
As for Jeremy & Roger, I'm definitely better off without them insulting me on a regular basis. It's just unfortunate that this had to happen, because it upset several other members of my family and friends in the process. But when it comes down to it, I know I did the right thing in defending myself. It's my daily happiness that was at stake, not theirs. It's really not in my personality to be selfish at all, but honestly, how can I continue to be a caring, selfless individual when I'm being insulted and verbally assaulted everyday? I can't.
