20 Weeks, Halfway There

I wish I could describe the weirdness that I feel being pregnant after the years of infertility. There just aren't many words, but I'm going to try... I'm halfway through my pregnancy already. All the fear and risk of miscarrying in the early weeks is behind me. My belly is protruding and I'm feeling fetal movements almost constantly now, so it's like a constant reminder that all is well. This Valentine's day was actually our 20 week ultrasound to determine the anatomy and growth of our baby as well as take a peek at the sex if we wanted--which we didn't hesitate to say yes! My appointment was scheduled for 9am, and I was instructed to drink 32 ounces (1 quart) of water or juice and be finished drinking 1 hour prior to my appointment, so I woke up at 7am and immediately began drinking. I drank a glass of water, then since I was encouraged to eat with my fluids, I had a bowl of cheerios with rice milk, then made myself a huge fruit smoothie. I definitely drank plenty and at 8:30 I was desperate to pee! Mike drove me to the clinic and they were kind enough to take me right in, knowing I was probably ready to explode. The ultrasound lady promptly began checking out our baby on the screen and for the first time since 9 weeks we got to see it moving around. We were in complete awe that it actually looked like a little baby now! Not until the very end did she check to see what the gender was. I guessed just so she could keep us in suspense? I don't know, but it was taking her such a long time to get a good view between the legs I was actually taken aback when she finally told us what we were seeing. I couldn't figure out what anything she was looking at actually was! She jiggled her wand up and down on my belly a few times to try and get the baby to move a little and then nodded as if confirming her unspoken thoughts. "See the two white lines here?" she pointed. "That's called a labia." she smiled before typing on her screen LITTLE LADY. "Only little ladies have labias". So, surprise, we're having a little GIRL!

And she looks perfect. Perfect little fingers, perfect little toes, and the cutest little profile I've ever seen.

Now I know my baby is not missing any limbs, she's growing at a satisfactory rate and everything is right on track. Everyone is overjoyed with the news, and it makes us feel so warm and fuzzy. It's everything we ever wanted. I mean, this is it. These are the things we were longing for all those years. Tons of love and support from family and friends near and far. I couldn't be more happy. So, why do I still feel like maybe this isn't really happening? I'm almost saddened by the fact that for so many years Michael & I were practically left in the dark, ignored through our unique and personal struggle that no one we knew of could relate to. Of course there were those honored select few people who stayed by our sides throughout our infertility struggle, but still, those years were the loneliest years of our lives and I can't help but find myself thinking back on them now. It's confusing to finally have all that crazy pregnancy attention with the thousands of questions and interest and excitement after so long of feeling completely forgotten. I almost feel that I'm not as happy as I should be. It's like I'm damaged goods or something, and I'm not allowed to feel that ignorant bliss that I think most first time pregnant moms feel. I have a sort of reservation towards throwing all my infertility pain away and pretending it never happened. Because I don't feel normal, still. I still feel like I'm different than most pregnant women. Maybe because it's taken me 9 years instead of 9 months to have this baby? I'm not sure. Only one thing is for sure, and that's the fact that I DO want to experience every moment of this. I AM thrilled to be able to be pregnant, finally, and go through the right that every woman should have of becoming a mother. I think the one thing that always left me feeling so lonely and left behind was that simple fact that I could not have a child. Everyone else made it look and sound so easy and even more maddening was accidental! Conversations would end quickly when I was asked "do you have any kids?" and I'd say no. "Oh" they'd say, and that was it. I don't know why I feel so conflicted now. My best guess is because being infertile was so much a part of who I was for so many years that it's extremely difficult to let go of my old views on the world. I feel uncomfortable showing my pregnant belly in public. It's awkward to answer questions about my pregnancy to people I meet and I'm really sensitive about not hurting anyone's feelings because what if they can't get pregnant? Suddenly I'M the annoying pregnant woman they see that rips their heart out even though they won't admit it. It's weird to suddenly be the person I once despised. I hope no one will ever think of me as heartless or tactless, because I have a huge heart. I'm going through something I never thought was possible and I won't soon forget it. Regardless, I'm so excited to meet my baby girl! Mike & I never cared what the gender of our child was, just that it was a healthy baby, and so far that is what we are getting. The idea that we are about to have a daughter makes everything so much more real than it was. We are that much closer to our dream, and it's so overwhelming. I'm now thinking of all the fun baby stuff like nursery colors and baby girl names as well as the daunting idea of birth. But I'm ready for it all. I've waited long enough that nothing seems scary anymore. It's all fun. :)