The End: IVF Result

Well, they finally called yesterday, approximately 24 hours ago now, with the results of my beta blood test.  "It's not positive, I'm sorry," the nurse said after confirming I was in fact Heather.  Obviously my heart sunk.  "Of course not," I told her in reply, sadly.  "Yeah, your progesterone level was great, so the environment was there, just no pregnancy.  I'm sorry," she explained before going on to tell me that I have 5 frozen embryos left and wondered if we would be interested in flying back to do another cycle.  The news had left me feeling completely deflated, like she had actually just slapped me back to Earth from cloud 9--which is why I said "of course".  Of course I'm not pregnant.  Of course, because this is me we're talking about.  I've been living a foreign life for the passed month, and stupidly allowed these people to convince me that this could actually work for me!  That I could actually become pregnant!  I told the nurse we would love to try again, but had no money left so we would have to wait.  Lastly, she scheduled a follow-up phone consultation with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and talk about what we should do next.  It's not until next week. I want to talk to him now.  I want to know what happened, what went wrong, and why he was so overly optimistic about my success when I knew deep down that was a mistake.  He had to have overlooked something.  I have not been able to get pregnant since I began actively trying at the age of 22!  WHY NOT??? Meanwhile, I was told to stop all medications and don't worry about taking the 2nd blood test.  The first result was quite clear.  I'm not pregnant.

I don't understand how the world is so over-populated.  I really don't get it.  It is so foreign to me that people can accidentally get pregnant "washing their underwear together" as they say.  I hate those people.  I absolutely hate them.  We went through the most scientifically detailed procedure there is in the world in order to have children, and even it did not work for us.  I don't know what is wrong with my body.  Why is it that everything was going so clinically perfect with my cycle, but it failed anyway?  It doesn't make sense. 

 I love you flowers from Mike 

 

On his way home from work yesterday, Mike stopped to buy me flowers.  I had called him the second I heard news, as I promised, so he was already heartbroken and aware, and completely helpless, and wanted to give me something to remind me how much he loved me.  As he walked through the store with the flowers, he said it was our old irony back with avengence to haunt us.  Pregnant women and babies everywhere.  So, in order to save me from going to prison with assault and battery charges to pregnant women and women with babies, perhaps I should stay indoors for awhile.  I agreed.  Although attacking women with a herd of stair-step children behind her is my dream...

But honestly, I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I don't want to see anyone, and I don't want to talk to anyone.  My 31st birthday is in 5 days, and it's completely ruined.  I want nothing to do with a birthday party of any sort.  There isn't anything in the world worth celebrating right now, and I would just appreciate spending it alone and quietly with no one but my husband. 

Up until this point, we have been overly open and extremely public with our IVF cycle.  We did so not for ourselves, but for the benefit of other people so they could see what it's actually like to be unable to conceive.  We have always felt that the world has no blooming idea what it is to be infertile, and wanted people to know.  I guess we succeeded.  Now that it's over, we want to end the website blogs about our fertility journey.  Not that we are closing the book to try and become parents, but just so we can go back to our private lives again.  The sacrifice to be public for the sake of awareness was truly difficult because when you get to the sad end like this, everyone wants to know how it went and talk to you about it, and all you want to do is be left alone to grieve for your unborn children...again and again and again.

There are enough sad reminders in our life as it is.  We don't need people to verbally remind us about our failure, too.  All the syringes and vials of medication, and the sharps container sit on my dresser.  My bottles and bottles of oral drugs and vitamins took over the kitchen.  IVF papers from our clinic are scattered about everywhere in the house, and our folder with the first photos of our now deceased twin embryos sits untouched on our desk.  I feel almost foolish every time I look at my battered stomach from all the fertility drugs and Heparin shots, or feel my aching hips from the deep inter-muscular progesterone injections.  All these things remain as silent reminders of our IVF experience.  The last thing yet to come is the icing on my birthday cake, as usual; the period I am to expect within the next 5 days.  

 Heparin injections on my battered stomach

To think we went through all of those months of raising money and insane pre-ivf testing, financial applications and calculations and legal paperwork, house sitting arrangements and pet sitters and flights from hell, choking down a thousand drugs a day, all the painful injections, weeks with swollen ovaries, ultrasounds, going under anesthesia, recovery, IVs, bedrest, fluid restriction and more just to get home, wait painstakingly for a day and a half for a phone call from the nurse telling us it didn't work.

Ten Days Waiting, Waiting...

On bedrest at the hotel, day of the embryo transfer

It's been 11 days, exactly now to the minute from when my embryo transfer occurred, and I have been agonizingly awaiting the d-day ever since.  D-day was yesterday, by the way.  The first blood pregnancy test.  But, of course I am still waiting for the results.  

We're back home now, as of Saturday, and that meant I had to get my blood draw back at my local lab.  Unfortunately, my lab is as slow as they come, and told me Sunday morning when I went in for the draw that I would probably get the results by Wednesday!  WHAT?!  I know, really.  It's a pregnancy test.  Are you telling me that's really gonna take you 3 whole days to test my blood for that?!   Not cool.  So, later that day my fertility clinic called me to let me know they talked to my lab and I guess they talked some sense into them because now they say they should have the results by 5pm yesterday.  But, because of the fact that my fertility clinic closes at 5pm, I was told I probably wouldn't get the results until today!  Well, I'm still waiting for that call...  My cell phone and the home phone have been next to me where ever I went in the house this morning just so I don't miss it, but the suspense is literally driving me mad....

Sorry, the phone just rang and I think I lost my heart for a minute there... had to go find it.  It was just my insurance company.  Fools!  I'm not answering unless you are my doctor!

There is a lot of mystery about these 10 days waiting after transfer that really bothered me, and I tried to look up online what other people experienced during, but it seems to be a whole lot of unknown.  In my experience, I have felt fairly mild and random cramps, like menstral cramps, and only recently in the last couple days did I notice any spotting of any sort, but it is so almost non existent I probably wouldn't have noticed had I not been actually watching for it.  

What I read online is that it is quite common for women to experience cramps in the days after the IVF embryo transfer, but I found it strange that my clinic didn't warn me of this.  They've been so informative otherwise that I was a little concerned when I started feeling them and didn't realize it was normal.  Other than that, there is absolutely nothing else I can say I feel differently that could indicate one way or the other if I'm pregnant.  The progesterone shots and suppositories pretty much mask any "pregnancy" symptoms I might be having, since they cause you to become tired and moody and make your breasts hurt like mad!

As for the suppositories; wow.  It was funny how I had no idea what I was supposed to do with them since they came with no instruction except "insert vaginally at bedtime".  It looked like a white crayon and has the consistency of bar soap or a wax candle.  But once you put in in there, it melts in a matter of minutes.  I highly recommend using panty liners of some sort while using suppositories!  Enough said.

Well, it's 11:30... Mike is at work.  It's his first day back after 3 weeks, and he's bound to have one heck of an interesting day today!  I've been hoping my clinic will call during his lunch break when he will be home (noon to 1pm).  Otherwise, I will be alone and who knows what will happen... 

Whatever happens, though, I'll post soon...

 

Transfer Day!

The last 5 days of waiting between the retrieval and the transfer were difficult, but not as much as I'm anticipating the next 10 days will be...

I had to relax.  Not do anything strenuous or exerting after the egg retrieval until the day of the transfer.  I was sore, and my ovaries--especially that right side--were hurting.  In fact, they still do hurt somewhat!  My nurse assured me it's only natural they feel that way since after all, they did retrieve 21 eggs!  There were a lot of follicles to go through!

Transfer day was yesterday, 7-8-10.  Ironically two years ago was my laparoscopy at this same time.  Mike's mom drove out with us to the clinic yesterday morning and we were there in plenty of time.  I was of course nervous.  I didn't know what to expect during our consultation with the doctor, but it went rather straight forward ans smoothly.  He basically answered all our concerns before we had a chance to even voice them (you can tell he does this for a living!).  What's more, he actually informed us that we had 15 embryos instead of 13!  Apparently, 2 of them they thought hadn't fertilized actually had!  So, what he told us he would do is transfer the 2 best embryos.  No more because of my "youthful age"!  At 30, I am considered a baby in a fertility clinic, apparently!  That is okay with me!  HAHA!  Because of my age, the quality of my eggs were perfect, and the better the eggs the more likely they will implant.  So, the more likely they will implant, the less eggs you need to use for insurance policy in the IVF process.  My doctor thinks that my only problem conceiving naturally was simply that my hormones were off balance which in turn caused me not to ovulate.  Therefore, I have a very good chance that these 2 embryos he puts in me will implant.  Call me a skeptic or whatever, but even still, I have a hard time believing that.

After the consultation, we followed the doctor into the procedure room where the nurses prepared me and Mike for the transfer.  I had to have a full bladder for the procedure because they needed to use an ultrasound, so I was forced to drink a half liter of gross grape Propel (I've been drinking nothing but Propel for 8 straight days since the beginning of my fluid restriction, so that was hard since I am so sick of that stuff!)  They took my vitals and gave me a valium pill to calm me, then we changed into our procedure clothes (you know the ones--check out the pictures below).  The nurses chatted it up with us while we waited for the doctor to come in.

When he came in, he handed us a folder with an actual photograph of our two embryos and explained what we were seeing.  They were our two best about to be transferred.  We were in awe.  I mean they were two little circles with different shades and shapes of gray blobs inside them.  I don't know why I became so entranced, but to me it was so much more than blobs.  I was looking at mine and Michael's genetic children for the first time!

The actual transfer was really an awesome experience because unlike the retrieval, I was able to be awake and see what was going on and Mike was able to be with me.  There I was in the same frog-leg position on the table with the doctor between my legs.  There was an ultrasound and a tv screen in the room which they explained to us how they would be used.  First, the pathway to my uterus was sprayed out with a saline solution and then a second time with the same solution that my embryos were floating in for the last 5 days.  This is so they aren't shocked by the new environment.  After that, my stomach is prepared for ultrasound and we can see my thick and primed uterus, then the doctor called the lab and told them they were ready for the embryos.  He told us to look on the tv screen as a live video appeared.  We can see a petri dish with our name and special number written around it and inside are two incredibly small dots; our embryos.  They are so cute and I think I said that out loud!  We watch as the embryologist takes her tiny tube and gently sucks them both into it.  A moment later she enters the procedure room and exclaims "Heather Dellosa, I have 2 embryos for you!"  Their system is incredible.  They do this so they don't have any of those frightening mistakes you hear about that occur at fertility clinics.  You know the ones where they accidentally implant the wrong couples embryos into a patient.  Our clinic wants no chance of this happening.  They use your name constantly when they are talking to you and check your wrist band every time they come in the room. 

Once the embryologist entered with the catheter of our embryos, the doctor gets ready and tells her to transfer the embryos and as she does, we can see the catheter on the ultrasound enter my uterus, then we watch as a white streak slowly shoots out the end.  It's the embryos being injected there, and then the catheter is slowly pulled back out.  They take a still shot of the ultrasound and hand the picture to us.  A picture of our babies inside me.  You can't see much but a little white speck, but again it's my babies and to me it's an amazing white speck!  It is protocol for them to double check in the lab under microscope to make sure the catheter is clear and no embryos decided to hitch a ride back.  During this time, the doctor is quiet.  He sits almost frozen between my legs with his eyes closed and his hands clasped together in a meditative almost prayer state.  It's touching and when the embryologist comes back, she gives the all clear.  He removes his instruments from inside me and I'm finally free.  Mike is excited and grins.  "So does that mean she's officially pregnant?" he asks.  The doctor smiles and says "Yep, she is pregnant!" then pulls me back flat on the bed so my legs are no longer propped up froggy style, and then shakes our hands, as if all goes well, this is probably the last time we will meet.

When I'm rolled out, they tell me I can immediately empty my bladder.  I'm afraid because they just now injected my embryos into me from that very area.  I'm told not to worry.  My cervix is closed and they're not falling out!  I'm led to a recovery bed to rest for the next hour and Mike's mom came in to wait with us.  It's now just a waiting game.  I got my post-transfer discharge instructions from the nurses and they are strict.  I'm given a new medicine.  It's one no one mentioned before: progesterone suppositories to do up until the pregnancy tests for 12 days.  Of course I'm ordered on bedrest for 24 hours and nothing but laying around for 2 more days.  I cannot go shopping or walking in any fashion.  No heavy lifting, no baths, hot tubs or swimming until first OB ultrasound, no aerobics or over-exertion and no intercourse or orgasms either!  Mike's mom eyed him suspiciously as the nurse read these words aloud and teased him.  "You hear that Michael?"  We laughed.  Even if we wanted to, in the swollen, hormonal and uncomfortable state I've been in lately, there isn't a chance in the world I'd want or feel like doing anything under the sun intimately!  Ironically this is my best chance at becoming pregnant in this fashion: making certain that we do NOT have sex!  Doctor's orders!

I'm just beside myself now.  I can't believe this has just happened to me and I'm carrying 2 potential children inside my uterus at this very moment.  It's the closest I've ever been and ever felt to being pregnant and I can't believe it.  I keep thinking about everything the doctor and all the nurses told me about my chances.  My beautiful uterus, my plentiful and amazingly stimulated follicles, my gorgeous eggs and superb embryos.  I am youthful at the age of 30 in a fertility clinic, and everything is gagged by that simple fact.  It all seems too good to be true for me.  Everything was always so negative for me the last 8 years, and now suddenly it's all too perfect and all my instincts tell me that we're about to experience a huge blow.  But further orders upon leaving the fertility clinic yesterday were to think happy thoughts, talk to the babies, and just keep on remembering that until my official blood pregnancy test confirms that my embryos either survived or not, I am pregnant....

Egg Retrieval Day!

Ouch.  I hope I can get through this post okay, because this hurts.  I thought putting a pillow under my laptop would help, but the pressure isn't so comfortable...

It's the 4th of July today and yesterday was the egg retrieval!  I really have to say I can't believe that we're actually at this point in the middle of IVF.  I feel like I'm living a dream, literally!  The experiences I'm having are so completely foreign to me.  Being in a clinic filled with nothing but infertile patients like us is bizarre.  There are absolutely no parenting magazines or baby magazines in the waiting room, and no kid's play area either.  And no one dares bring children with them.  On top of that, having a fertility doctor tell me continuously that everything is going fantastically for me is another unbelievable occurrence.  Since when do things go "great" for me in the infertile world??  I'm absolutely beside myself.

I've been incredibly sore the last few days before the retrieval.  My abdomen has swollen with eggs making walking, bending and sitting up an absolute chore.  I can't seem to describe the feeling to people either when they see my struggle.  It's not like menstral cramps.  It's like two gigantic bruises on either side of my lower abdomen, right over my ovaries.  So, having the retrieval day finally arrive--and so soon, too--I was thrilled.  

Michael's mom drove us to the clinic yesterday morning since it was Saturday and conveniently fell on her day off.  Then his sister and her (15 year old) son met us there for moral support.  We were fairly early but they didn't mind.  Just checked me in and whisked me back to the patient waiting room to fill out some anesthesia paperwork with Mikey before I even had a chance to say goodbye to my moral supporters.  There was another husband waiting there alone for his wife who was currently getting her egg retrieval done.  Then they took me back to get prepped while Mike waited.  The nurse took my vitals, and discovered that my heart rate was a bit high (you think?).  I then had to get changed into the cool little paper gown and bungee hat and booty socks.  When I came back out, Mike was waiting for me beside my bed.  Here's a silly snapshot of me at that point in time... LOL

After I laid down a nurse came and plugged in a huge vacuum looking hose to a hole in my fancy paper gown and turned it on.  It blew warm air all over my body and warmed me up all cozy!  Then she started my IV.  I was prepped and ready before 10am when I was scheduled to arrive.  So then I just laid there and listened while several other patients were wheeled in and out of the operating room and got a clear preview of what was to come for me, as all the beds were in one single big room with only curtains dividing them.  You could hear everything, even the conversations with the doctor about how many eggs he'd retrieved, etc.  I was getting so nerve-wracked my monitor kept beeping because I was unstable. LOL.

But, soon enough it was my turn.  Several professionals came to talk to me before we went in, asking the same questions over and over.  "Are you allergic to anything?", etc.  My anesthesioligist asking me questions about any previous surgeries or complications, my doctor himself telling us what to expect, and then finally my surgery nurse who helped my prep nurse get me ready.  At that point, Mike was escorted away to give his fresh semen sample, before which they actually had to ask him if he wanted to kiss me goodbye first. HAHA!  He did, and I was wheeled into the operating room.  I got up and walked to the operating table when we got there, which was just like an ob/gyn exam table.  As I laid down, the anesthesiologist and the nurses all chatted with me about where I lived and my occupation, etc while we waited for the doctor.  I was given oxygen and some loopy medicine through my IV to make me relax.  I felt like I was sinking into the table and it felt so amazing like someone had just whisked every worry off my shoulders.  I was clearly drugged without my knowledge and I cut myself short mid-conversation to say, "Oh, she just gave me something, didn't she?"  Everyone laughed.  When the doctor arrived, he got into position, you know, between my legs where I always see him.  (See folks, when you go through fertility treatments, get used to seeing more than your husband between your legs--you're gonna get to know your doctors really, really intimately, fast!) He smiled and said "You ready to take a nice nap?"  Then I remember the anesthesiologist saying "take a couple deep breaths."  Everything went blurry and I have absolutely no memory of the exact moment when I passed out.  I'm guessing that was probably it...

When I woke up, I was completely disoriented for a moment.  Someone was saying my name, "Heather?" and I opened my heavy eyes.  I was super tired and didn't want to wake up yet.  But my nurse wanted to get things moving right along.  She instantly starting asking me questions about how I was feeling even before I even knew myself how I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was in incredible pain!  Now this was more like intense menstral cramps mixed with the already bruised ovary feeling I'd had prior to the retrieval.  My nurse instantly injected pain meds in my IV and in a moment I was relieved.  I don't know if I passed out again or what, but next thing I knew, Mike was there beside me kissing my forehead.  I was so happy to see his face.  The nurse continued to ask me if I needed things, and the one thing I couldn't seem to get enough of was WATER!  I was on fluid restriction since Thursday and couldn't have any food or drink after midnight the day before, so I was completely parched.  My throat hurt and my month was sticking together.  My nurse gave me a small amount of water and then a couple sips of apple juice and then would only let me have Gatoraide because I kept asking for water.  It was then that I learned I would be on another 10 days of fluid restriction.  !!!

When I had to go pee, Mike was asked to escort me there as I was not to be left alone for the rest of the day.  When I was in there, they gave me my clothes and he helped me get dressed into my 4th of July jammies I brought.  :)  Then it was back to bed to start my 2nd intralipid infusion (another $700 IV bag of soy milk).  I was dizzy now and nausea waved over me a few times before I decided to tell my nurse.  Immediately she put some anti-nausea drug in my IV.  It worked just in time for my doctor to come talk to us about the retrieval.  I could hear them talking about where my chart was outside the curtain when finally my nurse gave him a verbal update on me before he came to talk to us.  "How are you feeling?" he asked me first.  When I said I was still a little sore, he smiled and said "Well, I'll tell you the reason you're feeling so sore.  We originally thought you had 9 on one side and 8 on the other, right?  Well we actually retrieved 21 eggs!"  Mike and I looked at each other and our jaws dropped.  "Wow!" I think was all we could say while trying not to laugh.  "So that's really good," the doctor said.  "We have plenty of eggs, so we're going to go ahead and develop the embryos to blastocysts and do the transfer in 5-6 days.  That way we can be sure to pick the best ones, okay?" he smiled before shaking our hands as usual.  

We were shocked.  Twenty-one eggs?!?!  All this time we'd been worried about how many eggs I'd actually make.  People made me weary because of all my problems and lack of ability to ovulate on my own.  I'm a vegan, so how on earth was I ever going to produce the high protein eggs required for pregnancy?!  Everyone wondered.  So I am proud of my ability to produce 21 eggs.  Seventeen follicles was a shocking milestone for us on it's own.  We are once again beside ourselves. 

Mike's mom, sister and nephew came to see me during the couple hours I recovered.  I was given crackers to munch on andAfter the infusion, I was released and sent home with bedrest for the remainder of the day.  Resume all meds and Heparin injections, start antibiotics again and stay on fluid restriction.  Hot pack and Tylenol for discomfort.  It was a long drive home.  We hit traffic in San Francisco that slowed us down at least an hour.  All the meds the clinic gave me were wearing off and "discomfort" was settling in.  Mike's mom stopped by the drug store on the way home where she and Mike bought me some Tylenol and disposable hot packs.  At home, I ate part of the black bean burrito Mike's sister bought for us while I was in recovery and then slept the rest of the day.  

Today I am still sore, mostly on my right side, but I'm surviving.  It's better than yesterday, and thankfully my sore throat is gone.  A few minutes ago I got a call from my clinic with the "embryo report".  This is the phone call that informs us of how many embryos we have.  Out of the 21 eggs retrieved from yesterday's procedure, they injected each one with a single sperm and discovered that 18 of them fertilized.  Out of the 18 fertilized eggs, they told me that 13 of them have survived and have now developed into embryos.  So, in other words, we have 13 embryos (potential babies, complete with both our genetics)!  In 4 more days we will have the all important consultation with our doctor about the quality of the embryos and how many to transfer, and then we will transfer them and I will potentially be... pregnant! But as I always say, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  As much as I want it to be true, it's still impossible for me to imagine that right now.

HAPPY 4th of JULY EVERYONE!!!!!!!! 

Second Ultrasound: Timing is Everything!

There isn't much to say about our second visit to the clinic yesterday except that we learned a few important new details regarding the progress of my follicles the doctor examined.  It was a busy day at the clinic yesterday, compared to the previous day where there were no other patients in the waiting room.  This time there were hardly any seats, and our 10am appointment was pushed back until nearly an hour later.   I got yet another blood test, testing my Estradiol level again, and our doctor did another ultrasound.  Sure enough, my follicles have grown considerably in the 24 hours since last we met in this very same position!  This time Mikey & I remember to pay attention to the numbers.  He counts 9 on my left side, and 8 on the right.  Of the 9 on the left, he dubs one of them an "18", and of the 8 on the right, he calls 4 of them "18s".  That is their size, I presumed, as the others were "17s" and "16s", etc.  Then he looks at me and says they're ready.  He will see me in 2 days!  On Saturday, July 3rd at 10am we will be back for my egg retrieval!!!  

The next thing we do is sit down with a nurse to talk about the changes we will be undergoing in the next 3 days with us.   First, we are to stop all fertility medications (the Lupron/Bravelle/Menopur injections), as well as no more aspirin, but to continue Heparin shots AM & PM until Friday.  Friday is the day before the retrieval, and since it is a surgical procedure, I can't have any blood thinners beforehand, so I can't have my Friday night or Saturday morning Heparin shots (what a shame, right?).  I was also instructed to not have anything to eat or drink after midnight, as is usual for surgeries.  I was put on fluid restriction since Thursday night and am only allowed to drink 1 liter of fluid in the form of Gatorade or Propel.  No water.  I bought Propel because Gatorade is just gross.  Mike's only instruction was to refrain from ejaculation until Saturday when they will require a fresh sample--Wednesday's sample was just a backup one just in case.  ;)  

His experience was pretty amusing, actually.  I won't get into too much depth, I promise, but I had to laugh when he told me about it.  He said that a nurse led him to a very uninspiring room with a couple of chairs.  One of the chairs was covered in what we  had earlier joked from the ultrasound room was one gigantic paper towel.  He presumed that must be the "jack-off" chair.  The nurse handed him a sterile cup and a remote to a TV (which he later determined was clearly porn of two dudes and two chicks going at it,) then she left him there to do his thing....

The most important thing we were instructed to do was to give me the HCG shot Thursday night when we were called to do so.  As our doctor put it, it is the most important shot of this whole process.  It triggers the ovaries to ovulate.  A call from the clinic later that afternoon confirmed our 10am appointment on Saturday as well as the exact 11pm HCG injection time on Thursday night.  Timing is truly everything!  It has to go along with the egg retrieval time, so that's why they have a specific injection time.  I was exhausted, and both of us fell asleep, but woke up a few minutes after 11pm last night to do the shot.  We finally got it done by 11:20.  Hopefully that 20 minutes isn't too crucial, but I'm not too worried.  At least we didn't completely forget.  I think I would have killed myself.