A Baby for my Birthday!

Forever, it seems, I've wanted to experience a completely natural birth.  One that does not include hospitals or medical doctors or nurses and all that comes with it.  There is something to say about being able to get in touch with your natural female instinct that is to labor and birth the way that nature intended, and I wanted that.  Not to put others down who think different or made other choices, but for me, personally, this was something I felt I needed to accomplish in my life. Regardless of how raw and painful it may be, I wanted to know what natural birth felt like, because with my first child four years ago, I feel I was slightly robbed of that experience.  The hospital took that away from me without me even realizing that happened.  How I felt stepping away from my first hospital birth experience just left me disappointed in myself and in them, and downright upset that I had allowed them to manipulate me into accepting their various unnecessary interventions.

This time, we chose to completely avoid the medical establishment, and went with a midwife. Together, she helped us prepare for the perfect home birth. My last midwife appointment before the baby came was the 20th of July, during which my midwife suggested we strip my membranes to get things started.  I was due on the 23rd, and she was about to go on vacation. Neither of us wanted her to miss my birth.  Since she told me that this procedure wasn't risky in any way, and wouldn't trigger labor unless my body was already gearing up for it, I agreed to let her do it.  I discovered having membranes stripped is NOT a pleasant experience!  She warned me it would feel like period cramps, but in my opinion it felt like the WORST period cramps I had ever had! And don't get me wrong, I have had god-awful periods most of my life.  After the procedure, I noticed streaks of blood, as she had told me would happen, and continued to have moderate period cramps throughout the next 3 days! Mike's parents arrived on the 21st, and since I was experiencing such bad cramps, I thought I better call my mom and let her know because she wanted to be there for the birth, and so did I. She decided to come right away with my brother, so we had a house full of company fairly quickly. I endured many activities with them as we waited the days by.  One of the most difficult was the 22nd, when Mike's parents decided to help us trade in our Jeep and buy a new Ford C-Max Hybrid!  We spent ALL DAY at the dealership, as I was in early labor, and it was torture.  The end result of driving a new car home was nice, however.

It was about 4:30 am on the 24th of July when I awoke with a sharp side ache that wrapped around my abdomen.  They say that for every woman, the start of labor feels differently.  Well apparently that's also true for each pregnancy, because that didn't happen with my first pregnancy.  The way I knew I was in true labor the first time was when my braxton hicks contractions became painful, like period cramps.  But since with my second pregnancy I had gotten my membranes stripped, having period cramps only confused me because I knew they were a result of that procedure, and weren't necessarily an indication of labor.  But anyway, that sharp pain somehow told me that "this was it".  I was in labor.  I counted my contractions for an hour before Mike called our doula, Asiya.  She came pretty quickly, and immediately dove right into massaging me, mostly on my lower back and under my belly where the contraction pains were the worst.  The day just blurred by as I labored, one contraction at a time as they became increasingly longer and more intense with each passing hour.  At one point, which I later learned was late in the afternoon, I was given the suggestion to rest for the next part of labor, and Mike laid with me and we dozed.  It was actually so much more tolerable than the first time I labored with Sabina in the hospital.  Near the end, I was in my birth pool, and I honestly had no idea that I had gone through transition until my midwife told me calmly, "Heather, if you feel you want to push, you can go ahead and push, okay?" It was incredible.  I didn't believe her until I started feeling that intense pressure and urge to push almost immediately after she said that.  I knew the pain was getting nearly unbearable there at the end, but I had to remember that this meant labor was almost done. Incredibly, the end came quickly and I was pushing HARD.  The urge was like none other, and I found that my body did most of the work for me.  It was forcing me to push, so unlike the experience I had in the hospital with the messed up epidural where they had to guide me to push.  This was SO different.  I didn't need anyone's help in this! I just pushed. My water broke like a water balloon popping in the pool as I pushed, and everything suddenly became real in my mind. I knew my baby was about to come out. I don't remember how long I pushed, but it wasn't long before his head was out.  Instinctively, I flipped over to my knees and rested my arms on the edge of the pool the way I had while in transition, and pushed the rest of him out, since that was the most tolerable position (by a hair, but still, in that kind of pain you take whatever sliver of relief you can get!).

My son, Tristan Chase was born at 8:10pm on July 24, 2015 (one day before my birthday)!  It was the most amazing experience, and the most incredible feeling on earth.  I was on top of the world knowing that long hard day of pain was over, and that I just gave birth completely naturally and at home just as I had wanted for so long!  My baby boy was suddenly in my arms, so tiny, yet so big!  It was such a beautiful moment for me.  I looked around the room at all the women who were there the whole day helping me.  My midwife, Dr. Sunita, and her assistant midwife Kristin, and student midwife Binta, and the most incredible of them all, my doula Asiya.  She had been with me the whole time, massaging, using acupuncture, and encouraging me all the way from counting the early contractions that morning at the bedside to gripping my hands on the edge of the pool that night.   And of course Mikey, my loving husband stood by my side.  When Tristan's cord stopped pulsing, he cut him free, and they soon had Mike take his shirt off and carry him skin-to-skin to keep him warm while directing their attention to me and getting my placenta out.

It was a while before I realized something wasn't going right.  We were just so in awe, ogling over the baby and soaking in the euphoria rush of after birth. My post baby pushes weren't doing anything, since I wasn't getting any urges or contractions telling me to push, so it was difficult for me to do.  My midwives had me get out of the pool and squat to see if gravity would help, but that just made me lose the feeling in my feet and drip blood all over.  So, they laid me down on my side in bed and brought Tristan to me to breastfeed for the first time.  He was great and did latch on well, but it apparently didn't do much good in helping me get my uterus to contract any.  When that didn't work for them, they injected first one leg, then the other with Pitocin.  My body wasn't having any of it, and wouldn't contract.  They had few tricks in their bag left to try, so they asked me to go to the bathroom and empty my bladder in case that was blocking the placenta from exiting.  They all helped me, as I was beginning to feel pretty dizzy, and when I got there, my ears started ringing and my head was spinning.  I told them I couldn't hear them anymore, and they got me on the bathroom floor and proceeded to calmly explain what they had to do next, then began pushing on my abdomen and trying to guide the placenta out by the cord, which was by FAR the MOST painful thing I have ever felt--and I had JUST given birth, so bear that in mind! I screamed, and I couldn't hold back.  It felt like pure torture.  As the midwives did this, my doula once again began poking acupuncture needles in me all over.  She later told me they were to help my uterus.  Then, my midwife decided to put in an IV for pitocin.  But nothing was working.  Rather calmly, they all stopped what they were doing and Dr. Sunita told me that was all she could do, and due to my condition, she needed to transfer me to the hospital.  Mike & I understood and agreed completely, especially since I had already wanted to go the moment they began trying to manually press my placenta out themselves!  In my pathetic shivering naked position on the bathroom floor, I could hear the assistant midwife calling 911, giving them our house address.  Before I knew it, the bathroom was flooded with EMTs who all started asking me questions and determining what had happened, then getting me onto a large sling that made me feel like I was being carried out in a body bag.  It was all very foreign to me and scary. I had no idea what was going on outside my room at this time.  My midwife and doula both told me as I was being carried out that they would follow me to the hospital, so not to worry.  I had no clue where the rest of the family was or anything.  I didn't even know if they knew the baby was born or whether they had seen him even.  I was just focused on the experience of being wheeled to the ambulance and trying to answer all the questions being thrown at me.  One of the men brought my baby to me in the ambulance and laid him on my chest for me to hold. Mike climbed into the front with the driver and we took off for the hospital.

When we arrived, they wheeled me in and up the elevator to the maternity floor where an OB and nurses were waiting for me.  More medical chatter about me between the EMTs and the nurses, and they moved me to a bed.  As soon as the doctor got there, I was begging for pain medication as they told me they would have to try pushing my placenta out manually again. They told me there was no time and had to try now.  So, once again, I had to endure more tortuous pain of people pushing on my abdomen and shoving their hands inside me WITHOUT pain medication. Once again, it was unsuccessful, so they quickly determined that emergency surgery was the only way, and after signing a waver form that stated I might wake up without a uterus, or even die during the procedure, I was wheeled in to the OR.  I remember telling them to wait so I could kiss my baby and husband and in my cloudy awareness of the dire situation at hand, I told Mike, "Take good care of my babies." before they wheeled me away.  The OR was both terrifying and comforting as I watched all these medical professionals rushing around me getting things ready.  It rather surprisingly felt strange to have so many people in one place who seemingly cared about me, doing things for me.  But then I have never had many friends in life, and have always suffered with self-esteem problems.  It dawned on me that I have been feeling unworthy of being liked most of my life.  I've had medical staff work on me many times in the past, but for some reason, this time was different, knowing they were an emergency medical team working hard to save my life.

When I awoke, I was in a dimly lit recovery room. It was really late, past midnight, and my midwife and birth team who followed us to the hospital had since gone home.  Soon as I woke up, they let Mike in with the baby, and he sat with me while I recovered. Part of my placenta came out during that recovery time, surprising the staff and the doctor who did the surgery. Just goes to show, that thing was pretty darn stuck in my uterus if even surgery couldn't get it all out! Finally, they made the determination that it was out, by the way my uterus felt to the touch, then I was wheeled into a postpartum hospital room where I was to stay for the next 2 days.  It was so good to wake up and see my husband and baby again. But I had no idea what had happened back at home during the big emergency scene. My mom told me later that she got to hold the baby while the EMTs were getting me out, and that my daughter got to see him and exclaimed, "Ooooh! He came out!" But sadly, that same moment, an EMT came and whisked the baby downstairs to bring to me in the ambulance, and Sabina screamed, "THAT'S MY BABY! BRING BACK MY BABY!!!" and burst into tears! Though I wasn't there to hear her, that story broke my heart. All I had longed for following such an amazing home birth was to have my family snuggled up together in bed, my daughter included. I dreamed of that moment, that first hour after birth of bonding with our new baby, breastfeeding in comfort and privacy and being able to sleep together as a new family.  That didn't happen. Instead, I grieved alone in my hospital bed, thinking about how my little girl didn't even get to see her mommy before I was whisked away in the ambulance, and how scared she must have been.  It really crushed me, especially since I had just given birth and my hormones were a disaster.

Even after all my efforts to have a natural childbirth, I still ended up in the hospital with nurses taking my vitals every half hour, bombarding me with opinions and suggestions (some nice, and some downright rude), blood tests, IVs, and prescription drugs.  I was highly anemic, and ended up having to get 4 blood transfusions, due to the blood loss I had, and needed massive amounts of iron.  The IV fluid puffed me up really bad, and I looked and felt horrible. It was hard to walk, and I needed help for the first couple days. I was just sad I ended up there.  So then to have people tell me how irresponsible it was to have a home birth just infuriated me. I will never forget the nurse who told me that I almost bled to death because I didn't have a hospital birth. Not only was that a highly inappropriate thing to say to a postpartum woman, but it was a total lie! Had I given birth in the hospital, I still would've had a retained placenta and hemorrhaged. Where I gave birth had nothing to do with the fact that that would've happened regardless. Given the chance to go back and do it all over, knowing I'd have a retained placenta, you bet I would still chose a home birth over a hospital birth! Because my midwives prepped me for the rare eventuality that an emergency could occur and I might need to transfer to a hospital. They walked me through exactly what would occur, and you know what? They did a pretty damn good job of doing just that when an emergency did in fact occur. The hospital was less than a 10 minute drive from my house, and I got to the hospital still fully conscious and able to converse with the staff. Had that occurred in the maternity ward, they would have needed to wheel me down to the OR and it would've taken the same amount of time to prep me for surgery as they did taking me from my own house. The reason I chose a home birth was to avoid medical intervention in a process I believe is extremely natural. We don't all drive around in ambulances just in case we might get into an accident. I didn't want or need them to screw around with my laboring process, because who knows what kinds of other risks to me and the baby that could cause? It's wholly unnecessary, and dangerous to mess with the body's natural progression of labor and delivery.  Now, in an emergency situation, I will absolutely hand over my trust in the medical professionals to help me, as I did. Trauma and emergency room workers are extremely good at what they do, for without them, I would have never been here to write my story and most importantly to raise my two beautiful, precious babies! Because of both my midwife birth team and the emergency medical staff, my kids get to have a mommy. For that I am eternally grateful.

Second Time Around

Pregnancy the second time is very much the same as the first, in that most of my symptoms are identical, but other than that, it's a whole new experience.  When I got pregnant with my daughter over 4 years ago, it marked the end of a near decade long trial with infertility. She was a miracle to us, and all who were close to us. Everyone knew how special and amazing it was for me just to be pregnant. My husband treated me like royalty, pampering and limiting my activities so that I wouldn't overdo it. He cooked and cleaned and took care of the pets for me, and was constantly present, feeling my belly and kissing me. When our daughter finally made her debut, on the 4th of July to top it off, everyone was thrilled. She was a princess, and I, her mommy, the queen.

Finding myself pregnant for the second time, I expected a little more than I actually got. See, pregnancy is old news when you've already been through it. Of course people are initially happy for you, but it isn't the screeching fireworks celebration like the first time. I got mixed feelings that there were actually a few people who were disappointed that we were going to have another baby.  Not everyone congratulated us on Facebook as they had done before.  But most especially notable was my ongoing treatment of my pregnancy this time. I have basically been ignored. Second pregnancies don't get the royal treatment, not even by the husband. He rarely even glimpses at my growing belly on a daily basis, let alone caresses or talks to it. And the only kiss I ever get is a habitual goodbye peck in the morning before he heads to work.  It's not that he isn't happy I'm pregnant, he's just used to it and as a veteran father, knows the drill. He doesn't, however, realize how much I crave his affection, compliments and reassurance because I feel like a hippo. Just one "you're the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world!" comment from him would perk me up for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond!  But second time pregnancies are not celebrated like that. With my first, I had two different baby showers. With the second, none. And in fact, despite announcing that it's going to be a boy this time, and not having any boy stuff, we made a baby registry and sent it out to both our families, only ONE gift has been purchased for us so far.  And the baby is due only a month from now.  It looks as though we are on our own this time. The only thing is, I'm not sure if it's because people don't like me now, or just because second pregnancies aren't as exciting.  Whatever the reason, let me assure you it's difficult.  Second time pregnancies are more difficult not only because of that, but because you are already a parent, and financially struggling as it is when a second pregnancy comes along.  Parenting is a full time job, and one you didn't have the first time you were pregnant. With little to no person willing to help us, having a new baby is going to be challenging.  We dwell in a live and let live kind of society these days, so forget about having a village to support you and your husband's tough transition into having a new child. You're on your own this time!

The End is Near

It's mid June, summer is here and I can't believe I only have a month left of being pregnant. I'm constantly awed whenever I catch glimpses of my growing belly in the mirror.  It's getting bigger all the time, perfectly rounded, tight and smooth.  Inside, a baby wriggles around, jabs my ribs, kicks my bladder and elbows my hand whenever I stroke it over my smooth round belly to feel him. It's my second time being pregnant, and the feeling is both familiar and surprisingly foreign.  Having another living being inside me is quite alien like.  Everything about me is changed because of this little being. My belly is the most obvious change, but so much more is different than even my own husband is aware of, like my hair thickening, my sense of smell heightening, the strong nesting instinct to clean and organize everything, my hormonal balance shifting all over the place causing unusually high emotional turmoil in my daily life, having to pee three times as many times as normal, feeling completely exhausted after doing the smallest physical things, four months of constant first trimester nausea, third trimester shortness of breath, heartburn, back pain, and leg cramps, not being able to see my feet when I walk anymore, feeling like I'm wearing a bowling ball or a watermelon under my shirt, no more lying on my stomach to sleep, Braxton Hicks contractions squeezing the life out of me day and night, food cravings, food aversions, constantly battling the two extremes of feeling starved and feeling stuffed full, swelling breasts out growing my usual bra size, no monthly menstration (yay!), dry reddened skin, stuffy nose that easily bleeds, and a forgetful memory. There's more, but my pregnancy brain is preventing me from remembering what all I've experienced.  What I do know is that I'm both excited and scared, knowing I am once again about to give birth. Not only that, but I know what it means. It means I'm going to have another crying infant to take care of, in addition to my four year old daughter. I will be the mother of two kids! But before all that happens, I have to get through the labor, and that's what is currently occupying my mind.  Labor and delivery. This time, however, we have planned to do things differently than the first. I am preparing for a home birth with a midwife instead of a hospital birth with an OB.  It's like night and day.  It's herbal remedies vs medical drugs, it's positive reinforcement vs scare tactics, nature vs intervention. It's everything I believe in. Preparation has had me feeling all kinds of ways, from wondering what on earth I'm getting myself into, to feeling scared and the next moment excited and confident.  So many strong feelings and events have caused me to question myself.  I've been hurt by unsympathetic friends and family who don't support my choices, I've been hurled into the worst fears of pregnancy gone wrong at my ultrasounds, and we've found ourselves spending far more on this birth plan than we originally thought.  Deep down, though, beyond all the bumps and bruises along this journey of pregnancy, I know this is the way women were designed to have babies, and I truly am confident it is something I can achieve.  Because I believe in it.  Baby boy, whatever your name is going to be, I can't wait to meet you! 

Ultrasound Unsensored

When my husband & I decided to get a midwife this time around, it was with the greatest desire to be free from medical interventions and the pressuring fear mongering that's associated with it, not just during labor & delivery, but throughout the pregnancy too.  It really has been a fairly ideal experience thus far with our chosen midwife. She is very non-invasive when it comes to exams. She hasn't even touched my privates yet, and the pregnancy is half over. That's more than I can say about my first pregnancy prenatal exams. In fact, she didn't even require me to prove my pregnancy when I first saw her, with any such urine or blood test. I could've just pretended, and she would've never known...until the next couple appointments when she would've tried to listen for a heartbeat, of course.  She did eventually do a blood test to check my nutrient levels and a rule out possible viruses, as is her standard procedure. My results came back fine, with only a slight vitamin D deficiency, which is actually not a surprising find considering we live in the cloudy northwest, and it's the middle of winter. I tacked on a D3 supplement to my daily prenatal vitamins.

There are a few procedures that providers are required to offer their patients, and those include a couple of genetic tests for cystic fibrosis as well as down syndrome. As with my first pregnancy, we already knew we would opt out of these tests. Reason being, I don't need the stress of worrying about freaky test results concerning my baby's health.  And we also both agree that we didn't want to do any invasive or risky tests like the amniocentesis that pricks a hole in your uterus to test amniotic fluid for signs of down syndrome. We said no to all of these, most specifically because we were told our insurance might not cover those types of tests, and besides, if we were getting the recommended 20 week ultrasound, most of these things would be detected then.

Sabina's 20 Week Ultrasound

We didn't have to do the ultrasound.  It was up to us, our midwife said, but we wanted to for a number of reasons. One, we just wanted reassurance that everything with our baby was developing fine, and two, we wanted to make sure of the number of babies I'm carrying, and of course the most popular reason, to find out the gender. We wanted to be able to prepare, and part of that preparation is being motivated by discovering just who is in there. It's where I felt my connection and relationship with Sabina began to blossom, when I found out she was a girl and saw her beautiful profile. That was by far one of the top most exciting days of my pregnancy with her, along with the baby shower and her birthday.  We left happy, unable to wipe the grins off our faces as we imagined our precious little girl, and saw a clear vision of our future for the first time.

It's a Boy!

The one thing about our midwife is that she doesn't perform her own ultrasounds. She sent us out to another facility to have ours done. Little did I know, it was actually at a hospital in a neighboring city. It started out really pleasant with the preparation and such.  I was happy they let my daughter in with my husband so she could see the baby too.  And the ultrasound tech who did my whole ultrasound was really nice, telling me all the things she was doing, and keeping the conversation light and positive. We were asked if we wanted to know the sex beforehand, to which we said yes, and surprisingly only a couple minutes into the exam, she rolls over the baby's bum and says "and you're definitely having a little boy!" Oh my god. I cannot tell you how thrilled that made me feel. We both gasped and I reached out and grabbed Mike's hand. We were perfectly keen on the idea that another girl would be fun for Sabina to have a little sister, and we could reuse all her pink girlie baby stuff again, but both of us wanted a boy. I mean, naturally, since we already have a girl. Don't ever get me wrong. I'm so incredibly happy I have the little girl I so wanted to dress up cute in pretty dresses and watch blossom into a beautiful young lady and eventually be the mother of the bride and watch her get married, and I hope we remain close throughout her life. But there is just something different about having a boy that sends chills through me.  I knew Mike wanted a son, and I always wanted him to have one, but there was more to it for me than that. I just wanted to be able to experience that relationship that is so precious with mothers & sons. Boys love, respect and protect their moms.  I wanted that. We were in awe, on cloud nine, unable to believe our luck that we got our boy.

Baby Boy's 20 Week Ultrasound

It couldn't have been much more than maybe fifteen minutes before the perfect image of our new baby boy came crashing down on our heads. It was when the doctor came in to analyze our ultrasound results. As soon as she asked me if I'd had any complications with my first pregnancy, I knew she was about to point out some possibly discouraging things.  I told her no, my pregnancy with Sabina was surprisingly great. At that, she gelled up my belly and began to show us several things she found wrong with our baby. One: his legs measured just slightly shorter than average.  But then she looked at my husband and wrote that off as being part of his smaller Asian genes. The second thing she found was that our baby's umbilical cord was attached in a place that made it more difficult for him to receive the appropriate amount of nutrients, and she said this could lead to him not gaining enough weight and having to be delivered early.  She proceeded to tell me I needed to eat a lot of meat and cheese (I'm vegan, so I gagged a little). The third thing was more complicated, she said. It was a condition related to the kidneys in which they didn't seem to be emptying in to the bladder efficiently or as fast as other babies at that age. She called it Mild Bilateral Pyelectasis or Hydronephrosis.  She tried to remind us that all these issues often correct themselves before birth, but the thing that came out of her mouth next was the bomb that popped my baby boy balloon and sent me spiraling south into the pit of despair.  What each of these conditions she mentioned have in common is that they're all associated with the chromosomal abnormality, Down Syndrome.

Down Syndrome. 

3D Ultrasound image of our boy kicking back in utero

That's all I could focus on thereafter. I only just found out moments earlier that we were having a little baby boy. A son. His future had already flashed through our minds, and we were ecstatic at the idea of sharing this news with friends & family. Then we are shot down with the devastating possibility that our son will spend his entire life in special needs care, and never even have a chance at the future we imagined for him. It was utterly heartbreaking. I agreed to a blood test for Down Syndrome detection, and then learned we have to wait for the results for two weeks. Still, I had to make an appointment to come back for a follow up ultrasound at 32 weeks gestation to see if these conditions improve at all. I was hurled right back into the medical world with fears and threats I never wanted to have about my pregnancy. We left the hospital with our hearts in our shoes, and remained in a depressed funk for the remainder of the day and sleepless night.  I am so crushed and completely furious that they ruined a very special day for us. I didn't feel excited anymore. I didn't want to update the baby registry with cute little boy things, as I'd previously planned to do after the ultrasound. I lost the excitement of picking out baby names. I didn't want to share the news with anyone. Neither of us did. We just weren't feeling it anymore. We decided not to utter a word about it until after we get our results in 2 weeks. The scary news completely slammed us. Now, no matter what the outcome is, I will always remember the day I found out I was having a boy as one of the most heartbreaking days of my life.

UPDATE: Test results for down syndrome negative! We have been to the 32 week followup appointment now as well, and our boy is growing fine.  His kidneys are still not functioning normally, but we are not worried about his prognosis.  I'm still on the road with a healthy pregnancy, but due to our unnecessarily stressful experience at that first ultrasound, along with a few other patients with that same type of experience, our midwife is no longer opting to send her patients to that particular clinic anymore.  Glad we could help others not experience that kind of pain, at least!!!

Hitler & The Bitter End of Facebook

Facebook claims I've been a member since 2008. Since then, it very quickly adapted to the new name I gave it: Fakebook. I never liked Facebook. All it did was show me the true colors of everybody I thought I knew, and made me realize just how much I didn't like them. People do nothing but brag about their either fantastically amazing lives or dramatically horrible ones. Or they show you pictures of their dinner, check in at every possible location on the globe, making it easy for stalkers to find and murder them. They flaunt their offspring, and brag about how smart and advanced they are in school. (That was the most difficult for me in the years before my own daughter was finally born, and I could get back at them with pictures of her. HA!) Then, if that wasn't enough, they'd proceed to post media articles or political posts all over their page, offending half the people on their friends list. All these things drove me bananas, but nothing quite like what I was to experience.

Over the last year or so, I've had a couple of pretty ugly debates erupt on my posts regarding topics of apparent sensitive nature (everyone is offended by everything under the sun on Facebook). I wrote about these previously, so I don't feel the need to rehash these stories, but just suffice it to say they brought moments of extreme contemplation over my keeping Facebook or not. On both issues, I deleted the "friends" who caused the uproar, and continued on my way. The only reason for keeping Facebook was because, like most people, I wanted to keep my connections with family and friends, most of whom were far away, and this seemed the simplest way, as well as the most acceptable form these days.

Because of these previous experiences with people attacking my rather alternative views on certain issues, I'm extremely selective in posting anything at all on Facebook that's more than a simple photo of my daughter or cat. But recently, something came up in my life that was really a big deal to me, and I felt compelled to spread the word so people might see more than one side of the issue. It was a bill proposing to remove our rights to vaccine exemptions in our state, so that if you don't vaccinate your child, then he/she can't attend school. Again, I've written another post entirely dedicated to this issue, so I am not going to get into it all again, because this post is reserved for a very special topic all it's own. 

In hoping to reach out to people on this issue with the focus on our civil rights to medical choice being taken away, rather than to erupt a nasty vaccine debate (of which I'm quite familiar with), I posted a thought provoking quote along with a petition against this vaccine mandate, by Adolf Hitler, which you should see to the right here. ------>

Almost immediately, I had people trying to start a vaccine debate, just as I expected, but then more surprisingly, a family member commented that she wasn't even Jewish, yet she thought my use of that quote was offensive, and not at all appropriate for the topic of the vaccine mandate, and suggested rather that my husband's quote he had posted in support of my post, of Benjamin Franklin saying, "Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both", was much more suited, because he was an American president talking about our own country.  Even though I really liked my husband's choice in quotes as well, I was pretty insulted by her comment, because I had thoughtfully chosen the Hitler quote with the undeniable belief that it suited my argument perfectly, and she had just pretty harshly shot it down. Soon after, her friend followed up with a comment that she found my quote to be "highly inappropriate" for this issue. She just so happens to be Jewish, so she went on to inform me that it was offensive to her heritage that I had chosen a quote by Hitler. My jaw hit the floor. I couldn't even believe what I was reading was coming from two seasoned adults. Not having any clue how this quote was taken so far out of the context of my original point that it could have possibly been offensive, I was taken aback and tried to analyze it from their perspective, as I am accustomed to doing with things people see differently from me. Now, I am a very sensitive person, and will go great lengths to avoid offending people, so this came as quite a surprise to me. Even from a Jewish perspective, I couldn't see why it should be offensive. It's not like I admired the man or any such thing.  I view everything in history as a form of education.  As something we can all learn from.  The saying "history repeats it's self" is widely known, and there is a reason.  So, I find no reason under the sun that we should be banned from learning anything from a man like Adolf Hitler.  As one of the most popular villains of human history, it only seems natural for us to gravitate and pay attention to his life's lessons, not so we can all become villains, but rather to avoid doing so! 

I chose that quote because I am also quite a rational thinker, and it really reflected perfectly on what we are doing to our country by blindly allowing our own government to take our rights away little by little. What offense should be taken from learning a valuable lesson from a horrible historical event that no one wants repeated? If anything, it should be viewed as a highly respectful acknowledgement of what Jewish people and the rest of the German citizens experienced.  But my family member and her friend didn't see it that way at all.  They chose to view it as a total insult against Jews, of which still doesn't make sense, and they continued to post their offense and utter confusion in the comments on my post. It frustrated me that they could not let this go, even though I tried to tell them I never meant to offend anyone, and chose the quote for the words, because that's what I see happening, then tried to divert the discussion back to the actual topic so as not to turn this into an ugly Hitler debate. I thought the quote spoke for its self and didn't think it needed anymore explanation, but this just went on and on.  I soon got a personal message from my family member explaining that she and her friend had talked and still didn't understand my reasoning for choosing that quote, and what it had to do with a vaccine mandate. She went on to explain further that comparing a mandate to genocide was completely over the top offensive, and had to tell me all about how an American democracy works, in comparison to the dictatorship of Hitler's time. Then, if that wasn't enough, she went on to explain what her friend's family endured in the Holocaust, and that's why she thought my quote was so inappropriate. My frustration turned into shock, and I tried to figure out what on earth she was trying to say. Was she insulting my intelligence? Telling me I didn't know what an American democracy was, even though I was born and raised in this country? Telling me I didn't understand Jewish history? Did she think I was totally ignorant? What did she want from me? I didn't know, but it was a huge slam.

Thinking it over for a few hours, and re-reading through the confusing dialog that had occurred on the post and messages I'd gotten from my family member, I finally decided that what they were after was further explanation, since they had both expressed confusion and had actually come out and asked me what I meant by using that quote.  So I wrote a joint personal message to both her and her friend, explaining my reasoning behind using the quote in the best way that I could, because that seemed to be what they wanted. I was clearly still frustrated, and that may have reflected a bit in my tone, but I didn't allow myself to get nasty with them. I remained as civil as possible, and gave them as much detail as I could, trying to make sure to address both of their previous concerns regarding the quote and their feelings. I thought I did a considerable job, being as I had stayed up super late into the night to write it because I couldn't sleep after the long days worth of vaccine debating and ugliness that continued to ensue on my post, of which I was also dealing with at the same time.

Just as I had expected would happen, friends were throwing bombs on my post about the vaccine mandate. One friend in particular, whom I knew was a pediatric nurse, came on and basically spewed several comments worth of medical propaganda all over the place, disputing each and every piece of "anti-vax" information she thought she knew, and everything I had to say on the issue. All of it was the same old bologna I'd been hearing now for years from every "pro-vax" person I've ever heard. That was irritating, of course, but what was worse was having her actually go on to say that my husband and I were unfit to be parents if we didn't vaccinate our kids, and that we shouldn't even be allowed to have pets since I don't vaccinate them either. It was pretty ugly, and I was stressed over it, but my precious husband stepped right up and stood up to her for me, all the good that did because she was relentless. It finally came to the point where I simply had to unfriend her to end the nonsense, and thus things finally calmed down on the post.

The next morning, bright and early, my family member sends me a reply that basically disregards everything I just said the night before, and rehashes all of her original offenses against my quote. I was upset because she threw in a little lesson for me on how social discourse typically works, implying that I obviously had not been following that theory. I didn't know how to respond. I had already said everything I thought I needed to say in regards to the quote, and had told them I didn't see anything at all wrong with using it, and never meant any offense to anyone. What else could I possibly say? Later that evening, her friend responded with another letter explaining to me all over again her family history and why she thinks it will never be okay for people to use Hitler quotes or Nazi rhetoric, etc, in any form, and that she doesn't expect me to understand the magnitude of that because I'm not Jewish, so it's not personal to me like it is to her. Nothing I said seemed at all to have resonated in their heads, and I was left feeling as though I hadn't written them an explanation at all. It was all either harshly disputed or totally disregarded. What. The. Hell.

It was late, I was emotionally drained, and I completely broke down. This was not only the most utterly ridiculous thing I have ever argued over, but now I was being insulted and discriminated against? I was firm, I was completely aware of my thoughts as I typed my response that night, but I was filled with anger from their seemingly passive-aggressive stoning of me, and the fact that this had gone on for 2 days already. I told my family member's friend exactly what I thought of her, because she had crossed me. I used exclamation points, I used several caps, and I used some very strong words, but over all I tried to remain straightforward and perfectly clear. I basically said that I didn't know what they wanted of me, and didn't appreciate being insulted and discriminated against, because those things are extremely sensitive issues for me. I didn't see any harm in using the quote I did, because for me it was totally relevant to my topic. I can't help that they see otherwise. What did they want me to do about that? Why was I being publicly bullied and pushed up against a wall for it? As far as I was concerned, this conversation was over. I was through being rung through the ringer for posting a damn quote and having Holocaust stories being beaten over my head. Enough was enough. 

Though my family member didn't even respond this time, her friend did, just briefly enough to tell me that I obviously had "anger issues", and my words were hurtful and disrespectful, but she was secure enough in her life to move on, and tactfully added that it was up to me to decide whether or not I wanted to apologize and move on, or not. I told her the disrespect was intentional because she had hurt and disrespected me first, and that I had every right to my anger. I left it with the last line that I didn't need to associate with people who degraded me that way. The following day, I deactivated my Facebook account. No forewarning. Nothing. I just left, and I felt no remorse. I had wanted to do that for years, and finally I had enough of it. That was absolutely and utterly the last straw. Clearly, I am not cut out for social networking.

The Hitler quote issue still unfortunately did not cease, because my family member continued to message my husband over it, and her spiteful words against me were plentiful and harsh, but I cannot bring myself to speak to her. I'm 19 weeks pregnant, and I want nothing more than peace and a stress free pregnancy. It's hard trying not to let her words get to me, but I can't continue this debate. Whatever will happen with my relationship with her in the future, I don't know at this point, but I honestly can't care right now. The only thing I truly care about at the moment is my baby's health, which is the entire reason I posted the damn petition against mandated vaccines to begin with.

Mandating Vaccinations & Losing Rights

I have never fully come out and publicly talked about the fact that I have chosen not to vaccinate. People think I'm crazy enough because I'm vegan, I make my own soaps, I prefer organic foods and naturopathic medicine, I breastfed up to 3 years, bed share with my daughter, and I've recently chosen to have a home birth with my second child. Take me back to the awesome 70's and I'm a freaking hippy, minus the recreational drugs part. Oh, and I do shave. But the thing is, no matter how loony that makes me seem, they're still my own decisions, and no one can take them from me. Bring vaccine choice into the conversation, and you'd better pull out your armor because the world is going to attack you.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people suddenly have an opinion over vaccinations, and how they can do so when they honestly know nothing but what they've been told by their doctors and the media. I see through this because what they don't realize is that I was once one of them. I remember thinking--believing by default that of course vaccines are safe! Why would they ever agree to inject millions of little babies in this country on a recommended pediatric set schedule if they weren't? I thought it would be obvious if children were reacting to vaccines negatively, so how could they ever hide that fact? So of course vaccines are safe! They say they are, and doctors back that up. They say vaccines are responsible for the massive decline of disease in this country, and without them we'd still be rampant with epidemics and devastating deaths tolls. They say that vaccines create herd immunity, and that without compliance of everyone vaccinating, we are less able to protect one another against disease. This is why everyone must be vaccinated. It's a public health issue. Behold the reason everyone jumps down your throat if you mention that you believe in vaccine choice. It's for the greater good.

But has anyone ever stopped to ask themselves why they blindly follow the belief that vaccines are so miraculous and safe? Have you ever looked into it farther than asking your child's pediatrician some questions that he/she is most likely to respond with pharmaceutical propaganda? I did. I read into it first with "neutral" books on the subject, read lists of their extremely questionable, controversial and toxic ingredients, then read books written by scientists and doctors who oppose vaccines so I could see their opinions, then I searched more by scouring the internet for reputable resources such as the CDC website, VAERS (a public vaccine injury reporting system), and vaccine package inserts. I read extensively about immunology, and the history of vaccines, as well as the diseases they are made to prevent, and found surprising information destroying the claims that vaccines caused a major decline and even eradicated diseases. Charts of the diseases actually show a massive, steady decline years prior to the invention of the vaccines themselves, and nothing about the decline changed with it's introduction. How they can claim vaccines the savior is beyond me when the more obvious changes taking place throughout the entire decline of disease was in our sanitation practices. I then looked up vaccine efficacy studies like mad, only to discover they are nearly all totally biased, funded by the manufacturers, and completely useless on any scientific level I would expect of a product like mass vaccines. No vaccine is tested with a placebo, like saline solution injections, as one would expect. They're tested with another vaccine or adjuvent, and how can one accurately tell any outcome that way? When both vaccines produce the same effect, even if it's negative, the vaccine is deemed "perfectly safe". Because the reaction occurred with both vaccines, it can be concluded that the vaccine being tested couldn't possibly be the culprit. What's more, is that none of the vaccines on the current recommended schedule today have ever been tested jointly to see how they react together in the recommended schedule for safety. The most shocking thing about the vaccine industry that I've come across yet, is the fact that the manufacturers themselves have been granted total immunity from law suits. If you want to sue the manufacturer for causing you or your child injury from their vaccines, you are out of luck, because they aren't liable. A completely separate vaccine court was created to deal with vaccine injuries and deaths in which if they are not able to write it off as something else, and the evidence makes it clear that the vaccine indeed caused the damage, they will reward the the patient with taxpayers money, not their own. See, whenever you get a vaccine, they tax that vaccine and pool the tax money together for paying out vaccine damage rewards in the vaccine court. In this way, the manufacturers are off the hook, and you are actually paying for your own child's injury. Anyone who doesn't see why this is a terrible idea needs to read on. Without being liable for their products, vaccine manufacturers have very little incentive to create honestly safe and effective products. Knowing that, would you then sacrifice your child to them for "the greater good"? 

The mass cover up that is happening on a grand scale today on account of that law suit immunity and biased safety studies is criminal. Children are being injured much more than is being allowed to leak into the media. It has become a battle between parents and the medical system. Even with things like SIDS, Encephalitis, and neurological damages being listed as possible reactions on vaccine manufacturer package inserts, the medical establishment as a whole does not want to recognize these things as being caused by vaccines. Even vaccine preventable diseases themselves, when contracted, even though they've already been vaccinated, are written off as "side effects" of the vaccine, or touted as "not as bad as it would've been if you didn't get the vaccine". Herd immunity is the biggest load of hogwash I've ever heard of. The idea is that if the majority are vaccinated, then the population is protected against the spread of disease. The problem with this is that in order for that to even begin to make sense, the vaccine has to actually work. What we constantly see is that whenever there is an outbreak of a "vaccine preventable disease" (VPD), it isn't only the unvaccinated people who are catching it, but masses of vaccinated people are getting sick too. This can only mean one thing: the vaccine was ineffective. The other huge reason I don't believe in the herd immunity theory is due to the fact that live vaccines, when administered, shed the virus for two or more weeks following vaccination. Translation: vaccinated people are contagious. They can carry asymptomatic viruses and spread them to the population, and as explained above, even to other fully vaccinated people. The efficacy is certainly questionable, but the thing vaccines definitely can do, is damage. 

I read a study from another country that was done many years ago on a breathing monitor that you place into baby cribs that was designed to detect abnormal breathing in infants in order to prevent SIDS. In examining the results of their various studies, they came across a pattern of stressed or abnormal breathing that coincided perfectly with the age brackets on the recommended vaccine schedule. They looked into it further and realized they were correct when the parents confirmed the vaccination dates. It was determined that under the stress of vaccination, babies breathe much more difficultly, and some even stop breathing all together under the stress, which without the monitor could have easily resulted in exactly what they were trying to prevent: SIDS. Instead of causing a massive retaliation against the vaccine manufacturers, doctors quickly stopped recommending the breathing monitor because it was scaring the parents into thinking vaccines were to blame, and they didn't want unnecessary fear spreading. The most horrifying thing I've learned yet is that they've even gone so far as to criminalize parents for vaccine injuries. Babies are rushed to the ER by their terrified parents because they thought perhaps they had a seizure or something, but when the doctors examine the baby, they see brain swelling and label it Baby Shaken Syndrome. The parents are interrogated by CPS, then the cops, and finally, they're arrested and then sent to prison for child abuse. All because they followed the CDC's recommended vaccine schedule as insisted by their child's pediatrician. Neither the pediatrician, nor the vaccine manufacturer is liable for the child's injury or death, only the parent. And those are only two examples of vaccine injury cover-ups. There is so much more.

My issue with wanting to bring this all up now, is that across the country, bills are currently being proposed to remove the parent's right to vaccine exemptions, including my own state. If these bills are passed, no child will be allowed to attend government funded public, private or home schools anymore without vaccinations. Already, pediatricians are kicking unvaccinated patients out of their practices because they're "non compliant" and won't help keep their profits up by buying vaccines. Our children can't see doctors for regular well checkups, and now they won't even be allowed to go to school for their basic human right to be educated. In most of the states proposing this bill, the only exemption they will allow will be a medical exemption, and with no pediatrician allowing unvaccinated children in their practice, and practically no doctor ever wanting to admit vaccine failure, you can probably imagine how few children will ever be granted a medical exemption. They aren't even allowing the public to vote on this.  Only the state legislatures get to vote, so the only way we can try to sway them to vote against it is to write or call them up and hope you can give them enough information to enlighten them on the other very much hidden side of this vaccine issue. The way I see it, with the majority of the population blindly following along with the belief that vaccines are marvelous life saving inventions, and seeing unvaccinated children as disease-ridden vermin, by the time my kids are school age, they aren't even going to be able to go to any school. This bill is making second class citizens out of my children who will be discriminated against simply because we don't want to risk pumping them full of toxic pharmaceutical compounds that could harm them. They can forget about playing in sports teams, bands or performing in school programs. They can forget about summer camps, scouts groups, attending proms or even participating in graduations. And if we're lucky enough to locate a rare gem of a school that isn't funded by the government, then guess who gets to pay the +$20k/year tuition per child to attend, even though we are still paying the taxes for public school systems where our children can't even go? To me, this is a direct violation of the constitution and the freedom that we value so greatly in this country. What happened to our right to accept or refuse medical treatment for our children? My kids don't belong to the state, they belong to me. My husband and I are the only legal guardians of our children. Where do they get off putting laws like this into place? When they know perfectly well that vaccines are NOT 100% safe or effective, and that they are actually unavoidably unsafe, causing a whole host of possible side effects, injuries, and life long damages--even death! Their logic is unfounded on any scientific or constitutional grounds, yet they bulldoze through and mandate them anyway on the grounds of propaganda and dollar signs. This is not a democracy. If these bills actually pass, and my kids can no longer go to school in the United States of America, "land of the free", we're immigrating to Canada. That's it. 

Personality Test

It's been a very long time since my last post on this blog.  Pretty much because I felt we have been so far removed from infertility by this point, I felt it was getting totally off topic.  I wanted to start a new blog more focused about parenting, since that's my full time job now, but then decided this one is about parenting.  It's called The Infertile Parent.  It's about life with and after infertility, and that's what this is, I reminded myself.

So, a lot has happened in the giant gap that I haven't posted anything, naturally.  I've written several posts, but never did publish them because the content was so controversial, I just never wanted to deal with the wrath.  I don't like conflict and criticism, and avoid it like the plague in 99% of all cases.  But there are a few cases I feel so strongly about that have just plain gotten to me, causing me to stand up and speak up for myself.  Unfortunately, those never end well, and I usually end up having a huge internet shouting match and ultimately losing a friend over it.

Last year after one such conflict, I was reading up on personalities in the hopes that I could better understand what causes these things to happen to me.  I consider myself to be extremely open minded, kind, patient, and understanding of other people, no matter their point of view.  I'm real with people.  I genuinely feel sympathetic connections with them and find it generally quite easy to see where they're coming from.  I'm not trying to butter myself up to be this perfect person, because I'm not.  I do have plenty of weaknesses as well.  I just needed to make that point clear before I move on to the next.  My weakness is exactly that: I walk around with an open heart.  My genuine feeling of respect for people is continuously challenged.  The moment I feel that knife of disbelief or disrespect for my honest respect for them, they have pushed me to my limit, and I can no longer expend the energy to respect them.  It's my breaking point.  Now, it's rare that I ever actually reach my breaking point, because I have lived my whole life with this kind of ultra sensitivity, and therefore built walls and defenses around myself.  I still feel the stings of insult on a near daily basis, but I've taught myself to ignore my feelings in many situations, simply because I know the world around me won't be accepting of them if I let them out because my feelings are deep.  My passions are strong, and everything I love, I love with such intensity I can often not handle it myself.  So, I developed the walls of defense to protect my open heart from the world.  People can still penetrate those walls, unfortunately, but it's only if they have crossed the point of no return and triggered my breaking point of total disrespect.  I think I can count the total times this has actually happened in my life on one hand. That's how rare this is, just so you know.

Now, I've always known I'm different.  I'm not stupid.  I can see that clearly by the way my strong reactions affect others, and the way they constantly tell me I overreacted, or I have issues, or the most common of them all: I'm far too sensitive.  The interesting thing about this is that in researching the psychology of this to find out if they were all right about me (because of a lifetime of those same accusations, I seriously thought I had a mental disorder), I stumbled across a really fascinating theory of personality types, developed by a psychology researched mother-daughter team.  It's called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and it's a personality test.  The Myers-Briggs test is a psychological inquiry which supposedly measures the psychological preferences of the way in which people perceive the world and make decisions. After reading all about it, I decided to take it and see how accurate it was, not really expecting much from it.  Out of the 16 different personality types there are, I tested as an INFJ (which stands for Introvert-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging), which is supposedly about 1.6% of the population, and the least common of any of them.  Now, the least common part definitely made sense right away, since I have always felt like an outcast my entire life, so reading that was an immediate comfort.  Next, I began reading what each of the 4 letters of my type stand for, and what they mean.  Following the conclusion of that, I was sold.  Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I read about my personality type rang undeniably true for me.  I even had my husband read it over and asked him if he thought he was reading about me, and he nodded all the way through and agreed whole-heartedly that it was me to a T.  

Suddenly, my world was opened up to me in a way I had never viewed it before.  I know it was just a random internet personality test, but I did at least make sure it was a legitimate, popular and respected test.  But it made me feel like finally I wasn't crazy.  It freed me of the lifelong belief that I was actually a complete mental case!  I don't know if you can imagine what it's like to feel that way and then have the burden instantly lifted after so long, but it was such a good feeling.  Finally, I understood why everyone always thought I was so insane.  All my "flaws" and "issues" were transformed into personality traits, turning me into a perfectly sane individual instead of the mentally unstable person I had been most of my life.  Best of all, everything made sense.  All my past experiences, hardships, relationships, jobs, etc.  I finally figured out who I am.  

Obviously, there are a few skeptics, as there are for everything, who don't think the Myers-Briggs test should be relied upon for accurate information.  Here is one such article: http://fortune.com/2013/05/15/have-we-all-been-duped-by-the-myers-briggs-test/
But, in my defense, I have taken this test multiple times on different websites, and I always have gotten the same result.  Also, one of the things I really like about it is that it isn't all black & white, like the above article suggests.  It actually shows you the percentage of each of the four letters of your type that you tested for, called "preferences", so you can see which direction you are leaning to another personality type.  For me, I tested 100% Introvert, which made me laugh, but for the others, I was in various "strong" percentages.  This shows that our personalities are a continuous flow into the next one, and not all or nothing.

So, the most interesting part about all this, was in tying it into the conflicts I've had with people.  Most of my experiences in having disagreements, arguments or full on verbal attacks from people have always left me feeling almost instantly flushed hot, shaky, in complete defense mode.  In the end, I feel completely zapped of energy, I cry, I always seek out someone "safe" with whom I can talk it out with, which is either like my best friend or my husband.  But the thing of it is, while the other person seems to have moved on and forgotten about it, I'm still plagued thinking about the conflict for days, weeks and even months sometimes!  It eats me alive.  This is another reason I avoid conflict like the plague, because I know it will destroy me, mentally.  When I read about my personality type, I found so much insight in reading about how INFJs deal with conflict.  The following 10 points are seriously spot on:

The reason I'm writing about this all now, is because two people have brought me to my breaking point in the last year and a half.  The first one was my uncle, and it was one such incident that had been building up over the years.  He had insulted my vegan diet relentlessly, and of course I just keep my mouth shut and take the abuse, because that's what I do.  But one day, my husband finally spoke back to him with a stern comment to shut him up, because he'd had enough. My uncle triggered my INFJ "door slam" the moment he replied, "Hey, Mike, Fuck you!" This was on Facebook (even though he had actually insulted me on many occasion in real life too), so everyone saw this, including my 91 year old grandmother (my uncle's mother).  My sister in law chimed in to chew him out, and he cussed her out as well.  By the time I went online to see this, it was in full blown fight mode, and I completely lost what little respect I had left of the man, and told him off, ending by verbally cutting him out of my life. I know it hurt a lot of family to have to see that, especially my mom (his sister), but I just couldn't take it anymore.  The last time that happened was probably about 8 years ago, so you can see this really isn't a super common thing for me.  It happened with two of my closest family members at once, both of whom have never gained back the relationship we once shared.  The difference between that event and the one with my uncle was actually vastly different because I valued deeply the relationship I had with my aunt & cousin 8 years back, but I was actually struck with immense relief when I ended contact with my arrogant uncle. What happened with my aunt & cousin was very deep, and extremely controversial, which I believe was the reason it struck me so hard.  I thought everyone should be treated equally, and they both thought white people should be oppressed as punishment for their history.  There was never any resolve, I fell into a deep depression following that lengthy conflict between them, and they wouldn't talk to me for over a year.  When my cousin graduated, out of what I felt was the good of my heart, I reluctantly attended her graduation and wished her well.  Thereafter, we've seen each other at family events, and even had a bit of small talk, but I know it's only for the sake of the rest of our family. They both soon moved away, and we've never been close since.

Late last week, this happened all over again with two different people when I posted a petition online. I'm not going to get into it on this post, since this one is already plenty long enough for today.  Besides which, it's a whole other story.  But I'll conclude this post by simply saying, I'm a drained, nerve-wracked mess now, and I would very much like it to be resolved, but I have a feeling that won't happen.  I just need an honest vacation.  The cliche one where I get to sit under a palm tree on the warm, sunny beach sipping virgin margaritas.